Conquer hasn't been on in a few days, which means I have been playing by myself for awhile. Yesterday I was bored shitless so I hopped into some Battlefield Three.
To start my reign of suckiness I hopped into Caspian Border for some Conquest and vehicular shenanigans. First time spawned I got to ride in a helicopter. Ok, not bad!
Well yes bad, because the minute we take off we almost hit the building in front of us and do a spin cycle. For a minute I thought I was on a Tilt-a-Whirl from Hell.
Turns out we took damage. But instead of putting it down and letting me repair it, we kept on trucking along like nothing happened. It wouldn't of mattered.
Seconds later, the pilot decided to play hop-scotch with the trees. Then apparently we stepped on a crack because the helicopter's back broke, blew up in mid-air and fell smack dab in the middle of a gas station. Fill it up, Jim!
"Note to self," I said to my lonesome self, "When I see that dudes gamertag in a Hind D, avoid at all cost."
So I decided to spawn at the gas station, to see if the prices were down. Some dude on the other team thought he check it out too. "The hell you're stealing my gas!" I said. As I was shooting at him, I came to a dire conclusion: I'm using a shotgun on a guy 50 yards away from me. And he's a rifleman.
"Shit! Pistol! Pistol! Pistol dammit!" He decided to take cover beside a destroyed car, which means I couldn't blow up that piece of shit KIA Rio he was laying next to. Minus brownie points to him for using a blown-up KIA as cover!
Apparently I got really lucky or he sucked, because I walked up to him, shooting my dingy MP443 at him, and apparently doing damage, while he couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. "Here have a free grenade on me!" I shouted. That did nothing but piss him off, as he opened up from behind the car. I'll give the KIA Rio this: It can stop a F2000 from kicking my ass.
A friendly tank came along needing a refuel, which was enough to scare the shit outta the ass hat in front of me. Pull out shotgun, open up on him, first kill in 10 minutes. Even the tank guy was nice enough to give me a lift! Good thing too, because some dumbass was camping in the back of a pick-up truck. I kicked his ass, driver blows up truck for good measure. Must of been a Ford.
Our friendship don't last long, as a helicopter comes in and strafes us to pieces. Dammit, I just put 100 in gas in the fucking thing! And I don't have Asshole Insurance!
That bastard pilot is a thorn all game. Noone manages to kill him, not even the emplaced AA at our base because he stays the hell away from their. Brownie points to him for playing smart.
After losing that game, we head to a personal favorite map of mine: Rush on Damavand Park. First time we defended, and we got steamrolled. I blink and were jumping off the helipad to parachute towards the bottom. I tried aiming for the roof of a building, but found myself face first into a pipe. I'm in the pipe: five-by-five.
"I can only imagine how bad attacking will be," I pondered silently. I decided to go sniper on the Offense round, seeing as it was the least chance of getting my team to curse my name every five seconds I would die. Apparently the steamroll switch was turned off, because we did better attacking than defending.
One guy sat on a Humvee for the beginning part just having a bloody picnic. Not one person killed the Humvee until we finished the first part off. And the guy just walked away from it, with not a single shit in the world. If you played the map, you'll know there is a large radar dome in the centre, which acts as a sniper's nest. Well some guy decided to camp up there and try to kill me. I teach him the laws of physics of when a bullet meets his skull.
Another sniper tried to camp right on top of the dome. I mean right on top. He learned quickly there was no cover, and fell off like a fool. I destroyed his re-spawn equipment to add insult to injury. Not before laughing at his attempt to YOLO (You Only Live Once).
Seconds later, we parachute down to wreck some havoc. This time I didn't hit a friggin' pipe and landed on the roof. I was greeted by the local roof-man, who greeted me with a rifle to the face. My rebuttal was a shotgun slug to his forehead and balls. I had 0% health and still walked like nothing happened. Chuck Norris would be proud.
Funny enough I only died twice throughout that entire match. That's because I ran to one objective with sniper in hand thinking "I got this, bitches!" No. No you do not got this, bitches. Some dude kindly brought me back to earth by filling my ass full of lead. I killed him after spawn and took his puny sub-machine gun. Ho, Ho, Ho.
I only got one kill with the damn thing before I changed back to engineer again. The second time I died is because I got into a shotgun feud with some dude. But he was a pussy; ducking back and forth behind a solid wall while his rifleman buddy healed him. I think at one point he ate a rocket I shot at him. I offered some Pepto Bismo to help with that acid reflex he was gonna suffer.
After those objectives were blown to shit, A tank driver came by and decided to give me a lift. Having flashbacks of the gun-running choppa and me wasting 100 bucks filling up my last poor tank, I decided "What the hell. We almost won. What could go wrong?"
Well after objective A was toast, and gunning down five guys, (not exaggerating) who I can only guess wanted to take a ride, came to attack the tank with machine guns. I know what the feeling of a tank shell being shoved up your ass feels like, so I kinda had sympathy for them. Not really but the thought was there.
Couple seconds later a couple of AT dudes opened up a can of whoop-ass on us. The poor driver died but I hopped out before the explosion. Both of those AT dudes must've thought I died. They turned their attention to something else which led me to sneak up on them.
One guy turns to me before I pump a slug into his face. I'm guessing his final thought was, "And where the fuck did you co-," Boom. Headshot. The other guy didn't even know what hit him. I pumped whatever ammo was left in the chamber, and watched as his body rag-dolled into a wall and doing some freaky chicken dance. I'm glad he died happy!
Seconds later we win. Somehow I was top of the entire scoreboard for my side, even got around 10 or so medals.
I guess going "Lone Wolf" isn't so bad! It gives you time to think clearly, learn the ways of the force, and not have to worry about trolling friends. But that's what "Halo" and "Call of Duty" is for!
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