Get to the Choppa! And troll the other team!

 So me and Conquer have been getting some time in on Battlefield Three. Since just shooting guys is boring, I recommended we play some vehicular maps such as "Caspian Border".

Before I continue, let me tell you a little story: Me and Conquer are basically Maverick (Conquer) and Goose (Me) from the movie "Top Gun". Released 1986, just in case you old people forgot. We would camp in the helicopters and make gun-runs on the enemy; racking in points and kills alike.

So now that you know that, I can continue with what mayhem we have been causing. Or, lack there of.

I have taken advantage of Google Images and pulled two random photos of pilots in BF3. Because I couldn't find any good photos of Maverick and Goose.

"I'm a cocky bastard who has daddy issues and steps on the toes of my classmates to be number one."

"I'm a cool guy who is friends with the cocky bastard and gets killed due to his cockiness."

You also forgot your death haunts "Maverick" until near the end. And it turns out "Maverick" saves the day and sleeps with a blonde hottie. Lucky son of a bitch.

How come I'm not in this? And what's my call sign?

Wrong game Vlad. This isn't a post-apocalyptic future in a "What if?" scenario. Your call sign: Vlad the Impaler.

I like very much.

Anyways, me and Conquer decided to attempt to hop in a helicopter to begin our trolling goodness. It didn't take long to realize there was an incredibly pissed-off bogey in our airspace. A damn good pilot too.

 Conquer: Talk to me Goose!

Canadian: Bogey on our 12! It's an Apache!







*Apache does a barrel roll. Shoots us.*

Canadian: Shit I never a helicopter could do a barrel roll...

Conquer: Don't get cocky Goose! Kill the bitch!









*Helicopter shoots us with rockets. fails.*

  Conquer: Ya want some of this??!!









 *Conquer uses homing rockets on Apache. It proves very effective.*

Conquer: Yeah, take it!









There is something very satisfying about seeing a helicopter bursting into flames after shoving a homing rocket up it's ass. Unfortunately our victory was, how to put it, "Jet lagged."

 Canadian: *Blinks and sees a giant grey object come at him and leave.*
What the fuck was that?!

 Conquer: *Panics* Oh, God! I can't control it! Bail! Bail!

  Canadian: What do you mean, "Bail"?









I never got his rebuttal. Because the chopper crashed into the ground before I could hit the eject button. Well I got a better fate than Anthony Edwards character, that's for sure.


When we all calmed down, it turns out the giant grey figure was an ally Jet fighter. However, he missed flight school and literally crashed head-on into us. He survived, we didn't. Bastard.

Couple minutes later, were off again. But the guy we killed last time, came back for revenge.

Conquer: Talk to me Goose!

 Canadian: Bogey at our one o'clock! Straight ahead!

 Conquer: I don't see him. 

 Canadian: He's right above us! He's locking on! Flares! FLARES!!!!!!!!

 Conquer: He's not there! I don't know what you see!










In MY defense, I saw him coming from 10 clicks away. I may be crazy but I ain't THAT insane!

*Apache bogey shoots us to bits with rockets and MG fire*

Conquer: What was that?

 Canadian: The Apache. And it just raped us. 

 Vlad the Impaler: He did tell you so. 

 Canadian: Yeah, what that crazy vodka-soaked Russian said!









A day later, and tons of therapy and training, we hop into another level and another bird. "Operation: Firestorm" I believe.


Really not much happened because Conquer hopped into another bird. Some random guy we will call "Iceman". You know, for good measure! Unlike "Iceman", that dude couldn't fly for shit!

Conquer: Goose! Help me Goose! "Iceman" can't fly for shit! And there's a chopper on our tail!

  Canadian: And you want me to do what? Shout insults at the guys mother? Wave my hands in the air like I just don't care? Flip him the bird?

Vlad the Impaler: Try singing to him. His ears may be sensitive enough to hear your dog whistle-like singing voice.

 Canadian: First of all, that's Conquer's singing. Secondly. fuck it, I'll just shoot the guy down.









Seconds later I take down the bastard. By the looks of it he almost literally shot Conquer down. Once the chopper died, the Jets around him buggered off. Serves them right for screwing with "Goose"! So pretty much saved both "Maverick" and "Iceman's" bacon.

Conquer: Goose, you can be my Wingman, any day.

Canadian: Everybody gets one.








 I think I found a new job profession: "Fly" Swatter; Keeping the air space clear of assholes since 2012.

Vlad the Impaler: And killing anything and everything that walks, runs, or crawls towards you.









All for a good cause! It's called "Self defense," and they shot at me first.

OK maybe my job title should be "Professional Massacre of Nazis, Communists, Mutants, Jet fighters, and Helicopter pilots."

Call me: I'm very affordable and available any time.

All photos pulled from Google Images.