Giant cats, Barbarians, and lightning. Oh, my!

 I decided to take in-game photos with my Ipod again. I apologize for the shitty quality of the photos. Thank God for Adobe Photoshop CS5.

So yesterday I was feeling like crap, and didn't feel like getting spawn-camped in Battlefield Three or getting rockets shoved up my ass by Cyber demons in DOOM One or Two. Instead I fired up and old Xbox Live Arcade (XBL) I fell in love with a bit ago, "Castle Crashers."

It's pretty much a side-scroller beat-em-up but with cute knights and baddies. Plus it gets hard pretty damn fast. Add a leveling system to boost certain attributes such as Magic, some damn funny humor, and you got a damn good game!

I decided to roll with my level 40 Red Knight, who I nicknamed "Thunderstruck." See, each Knight has a special magic ability; Red uses lightning to fry anything that gets in his way. Which means just about anything that moves, crawls, and flies.

It has been some time since I played this old game, and it showed as I got bitched slapped by some weak-ass enemies. Whatever, I have way too much health to give the tiniest bit of a shit. That, and I hit like a truck going 200 miles per hour.

Going down some ways it turns out the King apparently got his daughters kidnapped. If this is going to turn into "The Legend of Zelda", where they keep getting kidnapped every five seconds to stretch it over like 20 games, cans of whoop-ass will be opened. And if I see ANYBODY who is wearing a green uniform, (and looks like a giant cucumber) while wearing some dorky cap, then my sword will be shoved up one unlucky SOB's ass. No lube.

Oi! What are they doing out of the kitchen!?

The princess with purple hair (bottom left) doesn't show her face until near the end. If you have ever beat this game, you know exactly what she looks like. If not, well let's just say she had waaaaaaaay too much plastic surgery.

Fast forward a little bit to the first boss of the game, and hulking Barbarian Brute. And if you think I fight that dude in the picture (mid left)? Oh hell no. Apparently he's not photo friendly, because I couldn't get a good picture of his fat ass.

Oh well. Before he could even waltz over to me to say "Hi," I open up on his ass with lightning and down he goes. Yeah, I am friggin overpowered. No, I don't care :)

Once a boss dies, a chest full of loot drops from the sky. A great opportunity to get rich quick is to re-play bosses over and over. Though I'm rolling in 1,963+ of gold so I really don't need it. Then again it's not like the Barbarians ain't gonna use it either!

Hold on princess! I have to loot the Barbarian's life savings!

Fast forward some more, and we come to a forest stage. However, something is spooking the shit outta the animals. Literally. I tried to take a picture of a bear shitting in the woods, but apparently his fur gives off luminescent light, and Photoshop got mad at me when I tried to fix and save it. To think I was going to end the question of "Does a Bear shit in the woods?"

Moving on into a abandoned saw mill, we come face-to-teeth with a very large pussycat. Same situation with the bear, but this time the stage has you jumping logs in order not to get eaten. I lost half my damn health trying to pic this over sized furball. What the games tries to show you that it wants to eat you, when really all it wants to do is sell you Girl Scout cookies and give free hugs!

Yeah I'd shit my pants too if I knew that thing was coming.

Once you fall into a raging river and hop onto something that floats, you come across another boss.

Oh my God, it's a Catfish!

Quick! Someone get the fryer ready! We're gonna eat good tonight! Now you would think that using lightning to kill this think would pretty much conduct to the whole river. No, not really. In fact the only real way to do damage is when the king's ship fires a cannon ball into that large ass mouth of the pussycat. Once that happens, the fish fry can begin. Again, it goes down in a mere five seconds.

I hope that Panda can swim...

 After showing him a "shocking" good time, I decided to head over to the armory just for shit's and giggles. See in the game you can pick from a ton of different weapons that suit your style of fight. Some give you benefits in certain degrees, some half those abilities in favor of say, critical hits.

But it's the armory itself where you get these weapons. See, the Blacksmith is apparently a total BAMF and managed to tie down a frog with moose antlers, and use it's stomach as a place to swap and hold your toys.

There's something ya don't see everyday.

Urge to have deep-fried frog legs: Rising.

Trust me when I say this: You ain't seen nothing yet. That, is for another post.

Update: You can read the sequel to this post here.