Giant cats, Barbarians, and lightning. Oh, my!

 I decided to take in-game photos with my Ipod again. I apologize for the shitty quality of the photos. Thank God for Adobe Photoshop CS5.

So yesterday I was feeling like crap, and didn't feel like getting spawn-camped in Battlefield Three or getting rockets shoved up my ass by Cyber demons in DOOM One or Two. Instead I fired up and old Xbox Live Arcade (XBL) I fell in love with a bit ago, "Castle Crashers."

It's pretty much a side-scroller beat-em-up but with cute knights and baddies. Plus it gets hard pretty damn fast. Add a leveling system to boost certain attributes such as Magic, some damn funny humor, and you got a damn good game!

I decided to roll with my level 40 Red Knight, who I nicknamed "Thunderstruck." See, each Knight has a special magic ability; Red uses lightning to fry anything that gets in his way. Which means just about anything that moves, crawls, and flies.

It has been some time since I played this old game, and it showed as I got bitched slapped by some weak-ass enemies. Whatever, I have way too much health to give the tiniest bit of a shit. That, and I hit like a truck going 200 miles per hour.

Going down some ways it turns out the King apparently got his daughters kidnapped. If this is going to turn into "The Legend of Zelda", where they keep getting kidnapped every five seconds to stretch it over like 20 games, cans of whoop-ass will be opened. And if I see ANYBODY who is wearing a green uniform, (and looks like a giant cucumber) while wearing some dorky cap, then my sword will be shoved up one unlucky SOB's ass. No lube.

Oi! What are they doing out of the kitchen!?

The princess with purple hair (bottom left) doesn't show her face until near the end. If you have ever beat this game, you know exactly what she looks like. If not, well let's just say she had waaaaaaaay too much plastic surgery.

Fast forward a little bit to the first boss of the game, and hulking Barbarian Brute. And if you think I fight that dude in the picture (mid left)? Oh hell no. Apparently he's not photo friendly, because I couldn't get a good picture of his fat ass.

Oh well. Before he could even waltz over to me to say "Hi," I open up on his ass with lightning and down he goes. Yeah, I am friggin overpowered. No, I don't care :)

Once a boss dies, a chest full of loot drops from the sky. A great opportunity to get rich quick is to re-play bosses over and over. Though I'm rolling in 1,963+ of gold so I really don't need it. Then again it's not like the Barbarians ain't gonna use it either!

Hold on princess! I have to loot the Barbarian's life savings!

Fast forward some more, and we come to a forest stage. However, something is spooking the shit outta the animals. Literally. I tried to take a picture of a bear shitting in the woods, but apparently his fur gives off luminescent light, and Photoshop got mad at me when I tried to fix and save it. To think I was going to end the question of "Does a Bear shit in the woods?"

Moving on into a abandoned saw mill, we come face-to-teeth with a very large pussycat. Same situation with the bear, but this time the stage has you jumping logs in order not to get eaten. I lost half my damn health trying to pic this over sized furball. What the games tries to show you that it wants to eat you, when really all it wants to do is sell you Girl Scout cookies and give free hugs!

Yeah I'd shit my pants too if I knew that thing was coming.

Once you fall into a raging river and hop onto something that floats, you come across another boss.

Oh my God, it's a Catfish!

Quick! Someone get the fryer ready! We're gonna eat good tonight! Now you would think that using lightning to kill this think would pretty much conduct to the whole river. No, not really. In fact the only real way to do damage is when the king's ship fires a cannon ball into that large ass mouth of the pussycat. Once that happens, the fish fry can begin. Again, it goes down in a mere five seconds.

I hope that Panda can swim...

 After showing him a "shocking" good time, I decided to head over to the armory just for shit's and giggles. See in the game you can pick from a ton of different weapons that suit your style of fight. Some give you benefits in certain degrees, some half those abilities in favor of say, critical hits.

But it's the armory itself where you get these weapons. See, the Blacksmith is apparently a total BAMF and managed to tie down a frog with moose antlers, and use it's stomach as a place to swap and hold your toys.

There's something ya don't see everyday.

Urge to have deep-fried frog legs: Rising.

Trust me when I say this: You ain't seen nothing yet. That, is for another post.

Update: You can read the sequel to this post here.

How to fight like a Lone Wolf

 Conquer hasn't been on in a few days, which means I have been playing by myself for awhile. Yesterday I was bored shitless so I hopped into some Battlefield Three.

To start my reign of suckiness I hopped into Caspian Border for some Conquest and vehicular shenanigans. First time spawned I got to ride in a helicopter. Ok, not bad!

Well yes bad, because the minute we take off we almost hit the building in front of us and do a spin cycle. For a minute I thought I was on a Tilt-a-Whirl from Hell.

Turns out we took damage. But instead of putting it down and letting me repair it, we kept on trucking along like nothing happened. It wouldn't of mattered.

Seconds later, the pilot decided to play hop-scotch with the trees. Then apparently we stepped on a crack because the helicopter's back broke, blew up in mid-air and fell smack dab in the middle of a gas station. Fill it up, Jim!

"Note to self," I said to my lonesome self, "When I see that dudes gamertag in a Hind D, avoid at all cost."

So I decided to spawn at the gas station, to see if the prices were down. Some dude on the other team thought he check it out too. "The hell you're stealing my gas!" I said. As I was shooting at him, I came to a dire conclusion: I'm using a shotgun on a guy 50 yards away from me. And he's a rifleman.

"Shit! Pistol! Pistol! Pistol dammit!" He decided to take cover beside a destroyed car, which means I couldn't blow up that piece of shit KIA Rio he was laying next to. Minus brownie points to him for using a blown-up KIA as cover!

Apparently I got really lucky or he sucked, because I walked up to him, shooting my dingy MP443 at him, and apparently doing damage, while he couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. "Here have a free grenade on me!" I shouted. That did nothing but piss him off, as he opened up from behind the car. I'll give the KIA Rio this: It can stop a F2000 from kicking my ass.

A friendly tank came along needing a refuel, which was enough to scare the shit outta the ass hat in front of me. Pull out shotgun, open up on him, first kill in 10 minutes. Even the tank guy was nice enough to give me a lift! Good thing too, because some dumbass was camping in the back of a pick-up truck. I kicked his ass, driver blows up truck for good measure. Must of been a Ford.

Our friendship don't last long, as a helicopter comes in and strafes us to pieces. Dammit, I just put 100 in gas in the fucking thing! And I don't have Asshole Insurance!

That bastard pilot is a thorn all game. Noone manages to kill him, not even the emplaced AA at our base because he stays the hell away from their. Brownie points to him for playing smart.

After losing that game, we head to a personal favorite map of mine: Rush on Damavand Park. First time we defended, and we got steamrolled. I blink and were jumping off the helipad to parachute towards the bottom. I tried aiming for the roof of a building, but found myself face first into a pipe. I'm in the pipe: five-by-five.

"I can only imagine how bad attacking will be," I pondered silently. I decided to go sniper on the Offense round, seeing as it was the least chance of getting my team to curse my name every five seconds I would die. Apparently the steamroll switch was turned off, because we did better attacking than defending.

One guy sat on a Humvee for the beginning part just having a bloody picnic. Not one person killed the Humvee until we finished the first part off. And the guy just walked away from it, with not a single shit in the world. If you played the map, you'll know there is a large  radar dome in the centre, which acts as a sniper's nest. Well some guy decided to camp up there and try to kill me. I teach him the laws of physics of when a bullet meets his skull.

Another sniper tried to camp right on top of the dome. I mean right on top. He learned quickly there was no cover, and fell off like a fool. I destroyed his re-spawn equipment to add insult to injury. Not before laughing at his attempt to YOLO (You Only Live Once).

Seconds later, we parachute down to wreck some havoc. This time I didn't hit a friggin' pipe and landed on the roof. I was greeted by the local roof-man, who greeted me with a rifle to the face. My rebuttal was a shotgun slug to his forehead and balls. I had 0% health and still walked like nothing happened. Chuck Norris would be proud.

Funny enough I only died twice throughout that entire match. That's because I ran to one objective with sniper in hand thinking "I got this, bitches!" No. No you do not got this, bitches. Some dude kindly brought me back to earth by filling my ass full of lead. I killed him after spawn and took his puny sub-machine gun. Ho, Ho, Ho.

I only got one kill with the damn thing before I changed back to engineer again. The second time I died is because I got into a shotgun feud with some dude. But he was a pussy; ducking back and forth behind a solid wall while his rifleman buddy healed him. I think at one point he ate a rocket I shot at him. I offered some Pepto Bismo to help with that acid reflex he was gonna suffer.

After those objectives were blown to shit, A tank driver came by and decided to give me a lift. Having flashbacks of the gun-running choppa and me wasting 100 bucks filling up my last poor tank, I decided "What the hell. We almost won. What could go wrong?"

Well after objective A was toast, and gunning down five guys, (not exaggerating) who I can only guess wanted to take a ride, came to attack the tank with machine guns. I know what the feeling of a tank shell being shoved up your ass feels like, so I kinda had sympathy for them. Not really but the thought was there.

Couple seconds later a couple of AT dudes opened up a can of whoop-ass on us. The poor driver died but I hopped out before the explosion. Both of those AT dudes must've thought I died. They turned their attention to something else which led me to sneak up on them.

One guy turns to me before I pump a slug into his face. I'm guessing his final thought was, "And where the fuck did you co-," Boom. Headshot. The other guy didn't even know what hit him. I pumped whatever ammo was left in the chamber, and watched as his body rag-dolled into a wall and doing some freaky chicken dance. I'm glad he died happy!

Seconds later we win. Somehow I was top of the entire scoreboard for my side, even got around 10 or so medals.

I guess going "Lone Wolf" isn't so bad! It gives you time to think clearly, learn the ways of the force, and not have to worry about trolling friends. But that's what "Halo" and "Call of Duty" is for!

Get to the Choppa! And troll the other team!

 So me and Conquer have been getting some time in on Battlefield Three. Since just shooting guys is boring, I recommended we play some vehicular maps such as "Caspian Border".

Before I continue, let me tell you a little story: Me and Conquer are basically Maverick (Conquer) and Goose (Me) from the movie "Top Gun". Released 1986, just in case you old people forgot. We would camp in the helicopters and make gun-runs on the enemy; racking in points and kills alike.

So now that you know that, I can continue with what mayhem we have been causing. Or, lack there of.

I have taken advantage of Google Images and pulled two random photos of pilots in BF3. Because I couldn't find any good photos of Maverick and Goose.

"I'm a cocky bastard who has daddy issues and steps on the toes of my classmates to be number one."

"I'm a cool guy who is friends with the cocky bastard and gets killed due to his cockiness."

You also forgot your death haunts "Maverick" until near the end. And it turns out "Maverick" saves the day and sleeps with a blonde hottie. Lucky son of a bitch.

How come I'm not in this? And what's my call sign?

Wrong game Vlad. This isn't a post-apocalyptic future in a "What if?" scenario. Your call sign: Vlad the Impaler.

I like very much.

Anyways, me and Conquer decided to attempt to hop in a helicopter to begin our trolling goodness. It didn't take long to realize there was an incredibly pissed-off bogey in our airspace. A damn good pilot too.

 Conquer: Talk to me Goose!

Canadian: Bogey on our 12! It's an Apache!







*Apache does a barrel roll. Shoots us.*

Canadian: Shit I never a helicopter could do a barrel roll...

Conquer: Don't get cocky Goose! Kill the bitch!









*Helicopter shoots us with rockets. fails.*

  Conquer: Ya want some of this??!!









 *Conquer uses homing rockets on Apache. It proves very effective.*

Conquer: Yeah, take it!









There is something very satisfying about seeing a helicopter bursting into flames after shoving a homing rocket up it's ass. Unfortunately our victory was, how to put it, "Jet lagged."

 Canadian: *Blinks and sees a giant grey object come at him and leave.*
What the fuck was that?!

 Conquer: *Panics* Oh, God! I can't control it! Bail! Bail!

  Canadian: What do you mean, "Bail"?









I never got his rebuttal. Because the chopper crashed into the ground before I could hit the eject button. Well I got a better fate than Anthony Edwards character, that's for sure.


When we all calmed down, it turns out the giant grey figure was an ally Jet fighter. However, he missed flight school and literally crashed head-on into us. He survived, we didn't. Bastard.

Couple minutes later, were off again. But the guy we killed last time, came back for revenge.

Conquer: Talk to me Goose!

 Canadian: Bogey at our one o'clock! Straight ahead!

 Conquer: I don't see him. 

 Canadian: He's right above us! He's locking on! Flares! FLARES!!!!!!!!

 Conquer: He's not there! I don't know what you see!










In MY defense, I saw him coming from 10 clicks away. I may be crazy but I ain't THAT insane!

*Apache bogey shoots us to bits with rockets and MG fire*

Conquer: What was that?

 Canadian: The Apache. And it just raped us. 

 Vlad the Impaler: He did tell you so. 

 Canadian: Yeah, what that crazy vodka-soaked Russian said!









A day later, and tons of therapy and training, we hop into another level and another bird. "Operation: Firestorm" I believe.


Really not much happened because Conquer hopped into another bird. Some random guy we will call "Iceman". You know, for good measure! Unlike "Iceman", that dude couldn't fly for shit!

Conquer: Goose! Help me Goose! "Iceman" can't fly for shit! And there's a chopper on our tail!

  Canadian: And you want me to do what? Shout insults at the guys mother? Wave my hands in the air like I just don't care? Flip him the bird?

Vlad the Impaler: Try singing to him. His ears may be sensitive enough to hear your dog whistle-like singing voice.

 Canadian: First of all, that's Conquer's singing. Secondly. fuck it, I'll just shoot the guy down.









Seconds later I take down the bastard. By the looks of it he almost literally shot Conquer down. Once the chopper died, the Jets around him buggered off. Serves them right for screwing with "Goose"! So pretty much saved both "Maverick" and "Iceman's" bacon.

Conquer: Goose, you can be my Wingman, any day.

Canadian: Everybody gets one.








 I think I found a new job profession: "Fly" Swatter; Keeping the air space clear of assholes since 2012.

Vlad the Impaler: And killing anything and everything that walks, runs, or crawls towards you.









All for a good cause! It's called "Self defense," and they shot at me first.

OK maybe my job title should be "Professional Massacre of Nazis, Communists, Mutants, Jet fighters, and Helicopter pilots."

Call me: I'm very affordable and available any time.

All photos pulled from Google Images.

Carry team in one hand, arm a machine gun in other

 So me and Conquer played some more Battlefield Three last night, and found ourselves, shall we say, "playing the heroes."

So after a five minute warm-up of Team Death Match, we decided to head into some random server with a clan called, I'm not joking, The Fail clan. They even had a blurb saying if ya wanna join, be aware that you may get booted from the clan out of nowhere if say someone higher ranked than you in BF3 joined the clan.

However, the server rule that was given, was if anyone who joined that server who was level 80 or higher, was immediately booted from the due to their rank. I wish I was kidding. Kinda good for me since I'm only friggin' level 28.

Basically don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Now I ain't no pro player or anything in any phrase of the word, but there was something "off" about the game. Like nobody seemed to be trying. For lack of a better word, our team, (US) was kinda crap. Same goes for the other side (Russians).

Conquer apparently went and got a license to drive an amphibious armored personnel carrier, (APC) seeing he wasn't about to lose to some first-class noobs and nutjobs. Can't say I blame him.

He did take the helm of a little bird helicopter a couple times, but apparently he missed fight school: At one point were kissing the ground with a really pissed-off tank right next to us, and another time we got butt-fucked by a couple of dudes with AA.

Couldn't tell you what they were thinking. Well the tank driver was proably wondering why a helicopter was doing doughnuts right in front of him. I was questioning the laws of physics behind said helicopter doing doughnuts...

Anyways Conquer and I went with the APC for most of the game. Conquer drove, I manned the .50 cal machine gun. I felt like a boss as I would head shot some random AT dude thinking he hide behind a thin piece of sheet metal. Seeing his body do a backflip confirmed his free ticket to hell.

At one point Conquer thought he could drive over a concrete barrier, thinking it wouldn't be much of a hassle. He was wrong.

For a minute I thought we were screwed. Some guy came over but got sniped, which led me to pull C4 out of my ass and just blow the barrier to bits. The sniper seemed to be taking a coffee break or something; we were pretty much standing there with our thumbs up our asses with a sign that said "Shoot me!".

Again, gift horse. Two gift horses because my stint worked. Barrier gone, we hop in, and kept on rollin. Why the C4 didn't blow a hole in the front of the APC is beyond me, but I never said BF3 was realistic.

Well we were rollin until this tank decided to pick on us, and SOLELY us. Of all the other vehicles that drove around him, WE were the biggest threat to him? The driver must've been having a baaaad day. It would explain the trolling after Conquer shoved TOW rockets up said tank drivers ass quite a bit. I can only assume he was kinda sore with us. And his tail pipe.

Probably not as sore as the choppers I shot down. At one point this amateur pilot, (he missed flight school altogether by the looks of it) decided to get up close to us, proably to sell us girl scout cookies or something. Since my momma raised no fool, I open up on the cockpit of the fucker, and all of a sudden it drops faster than a hooker in Church.

Me:1
Helicopter: 0

Fast forward, proably the same dude decided to head over to our spawn and troll us. Three guys: two AA, one support were shooting at him. I got the "vehicle disabled" AND "vehicle killed" along with the enemy killed. I'm sure the sharks enjoyed what was left of the body when it hit the water.

Me: 2
Helicopter: 0
Sharks: 1

A third time, same fucking choppa, same fucking .50 cal machine gun. I felt kinda bad for shooting at him too. he proably was a student learning the ropes of flying a Hind D. He picked a really bad place and time to be taking flight school. I would've asked for my money back.

Me: 3
Helicopter: 0
Sharks: 1
Flight school: -$20,000
Look on the pilots face when he dies for the third time in a row: Fucking priceless.

When all was said and done, both me and Conquer totaled 18,000+ points in score. Not one person on either team even came close. As Conquer put it, "We carried this team."

Moral of the story: Never judge a server by it's description. You never know how much fun you'll have. That, and if anybody needs a professional APC driver, call Conquer.

But if anybody needs a professional .50 caliber machine gunner, who can shoot down helicopters, snipe people in the head and make them do things the laws of physics don't allow, give me a shout. I can be very affordable.

Who saids shotguns are crap?

 So I got to playing Battlefield Three again, after a long hiatus. Well it came out around the time I was in college. And then Minecraft came out. And my K/D ratio was 1,700 deaths to like three kills, so I said "Meh. Fuck it."

My buddy Conquer and my buddy Mantic decided we go into a couple games. It seems that night everyone hated shotguns and warned that if used you would be banned from their server.

Off to a good start, eh?

We found one on "Metro". No shotguns of course. But funny enough I got killed by three guys using the damn things without even seeing the host blinking an eyelash their way.

"The hell with this!" Conquer said. "It's Jackhammer time." A Jackhammer is a type of shotgun.

So the three of us made a pact to get banned together. Not before I wasted 25 (32-29 final) people with my mad skills with the shotty.

I swear I am never this good at BF3. Yet I'm running around like a chicken on crack shoving the Jackhammer up people's asses, screaming "Order up! 12 rounds of 'fuck-you' for this gentlemen camping the stairs!"

The best part? We never got banned. It was pretty clear the host wasn't even in existence. Fine by me!

That got boring, so we headed into another server that had "jets" in the title. All I remember is seeing a lot of  people dog fighting above me. It was like watching a train wreck: you know it's terrible, but you can't stop watching.

So Conquer decided to take a jeep and tell me and Mantic to hop in if we wanted to live. Yet he managed to drive off into the borders of insta-kill land, and almost got him and Mantic killed. I, the smart one, jumped out when I saw this ride wasn't going to end well.

Near the end I decided to pull out my shotty on some dude camping a gas station. Proably hoping it goes down in price at some point. Course our "fearless" leader Conquer dies first. Mantic almost dies, but manages to lure two other jerk wads out for me to blast the living shit out of them.

For the record, I had 1% health left.

I think next time, I will stick to shotguns more often, and volunteer to walk when I see Conquer behind the wheel of anything with wheels, treads, or an engine.

Donkey Kong rejects are weak against shotguns

 This, is a Librarian.

"Hello, I'm a Librarian."

This is a Librarian up-close.

"Do my teeth look white enough?"

A face not even it's mother would love.

This is a dead Librarian.

"Lol I'm dead lol."

And this, is Bob.

"Hi, I'm Bob."

No one gives a fuck about you, Bob.

                                                         "Not even a tiny bit?"

No. Now go away, Bob. I have a post to do.

                                                   *German accent* "I'll be back."

Your Russian. And Arnold called, he wants his line back.

Anyways, Librarians, as you saw, are giant Donkey Kong rejects who are only fought near the end of Metro 2033. They are very hard to kill if under equipped. Plus, they hit like a truck going 200mph.

However, there are three weapons to easily dispatch them with: The Helsing, (a pneumatic arrow launcher) the Volt driver, (the taser from hell) and now, the Auto-shotgun. A heavy machinegun that shoots shotgun shells.

It turns out you need the whole 20 clip to bring these fuckers down, however the pay-off is worth it.

Allow me to illustrate some dialogue I had with one of these monkeys.  

Me: Excuse me Mr. Librarian?
Librarian: *Growls. Turns in my direction*
Me: How do you like your shotgun shells? In your face, or in whatever testicles you have left?
Librarian: *Looks puzzled at me. Ponders what testicles he has left*
Me: TOO LATE. *Unloads entire clip into monkey-man.*
Librarian: *Falls over dead. Let's a small fart out.*

Well at least that was working still.


All photos from the internet. Except for Bob. Not sure where he came from.

                                                              "Your mother."
Get out.

No rest for the wicked: Living or dead

 After endless distractions and being sick, I shall finally chronicle my haphazard play-through of DOOM Two.

WARNING: LONG POST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

The following events that took place between Sunday, September ninth, and Thursday the 13.

Doom Two is a hell of a lot of fun. Pun intended. I decided to wait for Bizkit to co-op it with me, seeing as he's been playing this game since he was a wee little laddie. 

Unlike the first DOOM, I actually got to kill shit from the start! I felt so useful capping bullets into those zombie, imps, and pinky demons asses. Hell, I didn't even die within the first two seconds all the time! Proud of myself, I was.

But then, we got to the level my friend called, "The Death Room."

"What is 'The Death Room?'" I asked innocently.

Upon a wall coming down, I received my answer in the form of (ballparking it) five mancubus; one of which "greeted" me with a rocket to my face.

"Oh, so THAT'S why you call it "The Death Room!"

Deaths so far: one

Soon after that, a new threat trotted it's way into our Thunderdome. If you played the first game, you will remember the "Mastermind": Big brain with robotic legs. Well, he decided he wanted to have children. And arm them with plasma guns.

Needless to say I got "acquainted" with the little bastards quite nicely. By introducing them to their new pacifier: My spiked knuckled fist of fucking fury. Apparently they weren't buying it.

Deaths so far: five

Moving onto another level now. I get smart and pull out my Ipod Touch and attempt to grab pics of in-game shenanigans. So excuse the shitty quality of the following pictures.

So we spawn in a room with nothing but doors all around us. Some locked, some easily opened by asking nicely. Little did I know the pain and torment that would besiege me...

"Ok," Bizkit starts me out, "This is called 'No-no room #1.'" What the fuck's behind that door that could be considered a "No-no" room? See for yourself!

Oh fuck my life...

Yep, a room full of Baron of Hell's. Oh, it gets worse! You can't see what their all looking at!

I take that back: Fuck THEIR lives.

Yep, a Cyber Demon. Now a common enemy of DOOM Two. After about five seconds the poor Khaki-wearing demons were turned to a pile of ketchup sauce. I decided to go toe-to-toe with this behemoth (bad decision #1) and lose horribly. Bizkit comes in with a BFG, and makes the demon his bitch. Typical.

Deaths so far: six.

The next room, "No-no #2" doesn't fair any better! We walk in, and there seems to be a gathering of imps all just chillin' in this pit.

I hate to have them all fart at once...

Feeling bold, (bad mistake #2) I hop on down and start blasting away with my shotgun. When I re-spawned, (what you think I was gonna kick their asses?) I started seeing the bloody things teleport before my damn eyes! "They can teleport up to us now," my friend calmly tells me. GEE REALLY? YA DON'T SAY SHERLOCK!

Deaths so far: 12

"This is 'No-no' room #3. Go ahead and go get the pick-up at the end of the hall," as my friend opens another door, showing me a beige, empty, mutant-free hall.

Why the fuck did I listen to him?

At the end was a chainsaw. Seeing as I had no weapons, this was to be my "Boomstick" for a bit. When I say "a bit" I mean not even three seconds because two baron's came out of the fucking walls and raped me!

Get off my body, you prick!

Bizkit, being the badass, killed both without even breaking a fucking sweat.

Deaths so far: 14 (twice by both barons)

Bizkit: "This is 'No-no' room #-
Me: No! No! Stop right there! I have to ask you a question. Are all these rooms "No-no" rooms????
Bizkit: Yes.
Me: Ok moving on then.

At that point I should've put down the controller and walked away; Dignity intact.

After that we got to a level that had Bizkit's favorite enemy. The Arch-Ville.

And I thought Lost Souls were bad...

Picture kindly supplied by my friend Bizkit by the way.

"Ok," he starts, "This guy shoots pillars of flame your way and can one shot you. He can also revive his allies, even the bigger ones, like Hell Knights."

"How do we kill him?" I think were my last words. "Dunno, let's ask him," as my friend opens the door unleashing that monstrosity.

Never have I fought an enemy more terrifying than a Cyber Demon. At least it doesn't revive shit!

Politely kiss my ass

Again, photo supplied by Bizkit. 

The Arch-Ville must be a woman: Because it never gave up on insta-killing me, and bringing up old issues like the one mentioned in the photo there. FYI I took out the trash, you ass!

Deaths so far: proably 17, I lost count after dealing with that bitch.

Skipping to the end, (because that's enough embarrassment for one post) I am told the Final-final-final boss is beyond a teleport. I volunteered to go onto an elevator and shoot him in the brain with rockets. Hey, I wanted revenge!

While skull-fucking the big boss, (literally) he would endlessly spawn demos to kick my other two buddies asses (Conquer decided that it was more fun with us than dragon shouting more people in Skyrim).

After a large explosion, (and dying more times than I could count) the game was over.

The best part was the message at the end:

"After wiping the sweat off of your forehead, you start the long walk back to your hometown, wondering where all the bad people will go when they die?"

That is a million dollar question. I never want to hear an answer to it. For the sake of my sanity.

This is why Conquer can't have nice things

 My buddy Conquer was telling me and Bizkit a story of his latest conquest. Before he went on I asked him to send me a message of this "story." "I don't think I'm allowed into that town anymore," he said. All messages in brackets are my personal thoughts I said in my head while reading said messages.

This his message:

"So I was in the capital getting materials. I walked into the companions guild were I was welcomed. I picked pocketed some of my fellow members arrows, but 'oh no' they caught me, so I ran out the door into the night where a guard confronted me. I killed him.

Then I killed another guard, then I hopped the fence and killed the cow, (What a waste of good beef!) then I ran into the city. I saw some women, who kept complaining about not being married. I punched her in the face which to my surprise killed her, (No really?!) I dragged her body into the gutter and took her items and undressed her (Jack The Ripper called, he saids "you suck").

Then I rain into a old lady who I think her kids died in a quest I did. Not my fault, (bullshit) but she wouldn't shut up about it, so I slapped her in the face a few times than ran into the shopkeepers house to assault him and steal his apples (an apple a day keeps the guards at bay).

After a few minutes of assaulting him, I ran, then I left the house. I was being chased for pickpocketing but I digress (really? Just for pickpocketing?). I assaulted the old lady from before again, (the one who bitched about her dead sons because of you, no doubt?) and ran into the inn. I punched a guy with a huge hammer and steel armor. (Like a boss.)

Then the inn keeper then the bard and then the cook. I fled up some stairs, then I dragon shouted some people on the stairs (nothing better to do, eh?). The shop keep didn't survive, so I gave up and paid 5000 gold (pocket change). Once I was out, I dragon shouted another guy; To my surprise had zero health (ya don't say...).

I killed him, and got arrested (again). Once I was out again I ran inside the Jarl's castle. I cast rage on two maids who pulled knives and started attacking me, (wonder why they did that?) they didn't see me cast the first time but did the second time.

So when he (the pissed off Jarl) came to talk to me, he finished her off while talking to me and I only had to pay 40 gold.  After I payed, I went home."

Conquer: Casting rage and whoopin' people's asses since 2012

And your telling me he's married in-game, and has adopted children? May God help us all...

A life lesson: with Metro 2033

 So for a couple of days now I have been going back to "Metro 2033", to brush up my skills for "Last Light". Well that, and Conquer was away and Bizkit was playing some shitty-ass games. I think one was called Forza, another Gears of something...

Anyways, for awhile I have been meaning to get the "Ranger pack" for the game. But I have been too lazy to actually get it, and it cost around 800 Microsoft points or so. Either way, my Bullshit meter went off when I saw it on sale for 150 points.

Now I usually don't play a game over and over again. So far Dead Space, and the original Halo are sole single-player games that I have played more than 12+ times. No, I am not kidding. Yes, I do have a life, thank you!

Metro is one of those games. Yet as soon as I loaded up "Ranger normal" mode, it was obvious this was gonna be a bitch.

You almost never have ammo, and the enemies will send you packing more times than an average day playing "Dark Souls".

However, you finally are shooting real bullets instead of mushed fucking peas, (a big complaint when the game was released), and you have a couple of new toys to play with: The Volt driver, and the Shotgun Machinegun.

But sometimes happiness is in shrapnel and belt-fed.

Happiness is Pneumatic and electrocuted...

 If you per-ordered the game you got the Auto-shotty free. It still fired mushed peas though...

I immediately used the volt driver, but learned quickly it's kinda hard to aim. Once that learning curve is down, almost anything goes down in one hit. So I gave it the name "Betsy", for good measure.

I didn't even fully use "Betsy" until a stealth mission halfway through the game. Where you must sneak past the frontlines between the Reds (Commies) and the Nazis (self-explanatory).

I learned quickly why I always went gun-ho in this level; stealth is very, very, touchy. First time through I got stuck in a passageway, and would be slaughtered no matter what I did.

"Ok!" I shouted at the t.v. screen, "Ya wanna play that game?!"

Second time through: Stealth through the Red lines, and made it to the soon-to-be-BBQ-ed lines of the Nazis. Turns out the volt driver can send a body flying, as I found myself laughing at the rag doll physics in motion. One guy flew into his partner causing him to basically think "what the hell just happened?" Short answer: I shoot you in the balls with "Betsy".

Needless to say I learned a valuable lesson: If in doubt and forced to stealth; remain calm, charge up your volt driver, and introduce the enemy to some well-needed "Shock therapy."

You could say the enemy was: *puts on sunglasses* Shocked, to see me.

Update: Volt Driver (Left), and Auto-Shotgun (Right), were pulled from the internet.