Let's do the time-warp again!

 Allow me to apologize for the lack of posting I have been doing. To make it up, here is a long post full of fail, flames, and music.

So we decided to hop into my friend's survival world, due to one of our other buddies decided to finish what he originally started.

Not even 15 seconds into him spawning, we hear him screaming, "Oh God! Help! Help me!"

"What the fuck is he screaming about?" I ask him politely. It turns out he was being chased by four spiders, all of them extremely pissed and saw our poor friend as an easy target.

"Oh yes, allow me to become spider bait!"

The dude in the background who we will refer to as "knight", decided to hide in my house. I was too busy pissing my pants laughing to do anything.

Buddy #1, who I shall refer to as "Ninja", managed to piss them off somehow, and forced the swarm to attack him.

I'm guessing they didn't like my diving suit, because they all turned on me and next thing I knew I was sent to Davy Jones's fucking locker!

After having a pleasant chat with Davy Jones I decided to do what any person would do:

Jump up from the water like "Jaws" and scare the shit outta my friend.

Cue "Jaws" music...

Couple minutes later we decided to experiment with the lightning physics to see if we could light my house on fire. Why my house? Because "Ninja" is a bitch. And "Knight" wasn't about to lose his hard-earned, uh, "creation".

Unfortunately that failed flat (HA! Suck it, Ninja!).

As a back-up plan, we decided to bake a cake and light everyone's house on fire in a glorious spectacle. I'm pretty sure "Ninja" is a fucking pyromaniac.

There was one problem: no wheat. So in a desperate attempt we all stood around a couple of wheat piles and yelled at them with profanity, some Eminem & Rhianna, and trying to do the time warp again!

"Grow you motherfucker!"

Shouting swears at it isn't going to make it grow faster dudes.

Surprisingly one crop grew half-way after "Love the way you lie" with Eminem ft/ Rhianna played.

A Goddam Ninja, a Medeivel Knight, and Jacque Cousteau watching wheat grow...

Yep, it was thrilling watching it grow!

After about a year, we finally got our cake and ate it too! Then I decided to steal the flint-and-steel from "Ninja" (Fuck you ya pyromaniac!) And began to "Light my fire", as the song goes.

It took about five minutes for "Ninja's" house to actually fully die off. While "Knight's" house was second with enough damage to warrant the insurance company to pay for his damages.

At least the bed and chest are still intact.

While my house took the LEAST amount of damage, though I use that world very lightly.

I hope my insurance covers "Bullshit Damages."

Note to self: Keep all flint and Iron away from Ninjas; they be lightin' everything on fucking fire.

And that's why I hate Ninjas.

Bringing back old memories

 Yeah so no more S.T.A.L.K.E.R for awhile, I promise.

So I decided instead of playing friggn' Minecraft I pulled out an oldie from the dust bunnies:
Battlefield 2: Modern Warfare 

Ah, the memories are comming back to me.

I will say this was a far cry to today's Battlefield 3.

Left trigger to crouch/prone, click the right thumbstick to zoom, right bumper to jump?!?!

Next thing you'll tell me you press "A" to man vehicles and turrets, and "Y" is to change seats! Oh, yeah...

One mission, in which to defend an oil rig and an island, had me pretty much shitting bricks by the end.

All because the enemy sends three gunships at you at once, plus a bevy of marines with high-powered smg's. And the allied a.i. is about as smart as a brick wall.

Near the end I was the last man standing with a sliver of health, and a helicopter with an itch to shove rockets up my ass. Perfect.

What do I have? A shotgun and an RPG. What do I use? The shotgun.

Ever seen "Die Hard with a Vengeance"? Know near the end where McClane gets the choppa to crash into a pole and blow up? Well replace his handgun with my shotgun, replace the telephone pole with a Lighthouse, and you got a recipe for WIN.

Yippee Ki-yay, motherfucker.

Yeah that was the look on my face once that BlackHawk was down. Who saids you need RPG's to blow up helicopters?

Both pictures of John McClane and Battlefield 2: Modern Warfare were supplied by the internet.

Crazy lunatics become sane?

 So I got around to some more S.T.A.L.K.E.R yesterday, but had problems with the computer, so I wasn't able to post until now. Apologies on my behalf.

Anyways, I was headed for the swamps to kill some uninvited guests, (re: Bloodsuckers) when I came across this squad of troops. Turns out these were Monolith guys who were no longer brainwashed.

For reference: Monolith is a group of stalkers who shoot anything and everything. They are mostly at the centre of the zone, and as mentioned are not in their right minds. Poor bastards.

These guys, as mentioned, were not shooting me. In fact, one of them explained his situation:

Monolith guy: (roughly translated) "So all of a sudden we were all like 'dude what happened to us?' But we knew we like killed a bunch of people and stuff. So could you like, go tell everyone at Yanov we're chill? We got no cover from mutants and emissions and stuff."

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NO COVER FROM MUTANTS AND EMISSIONS???

My luck is that everytime I briefly mention an emission, one comes along and fry's my ass.

Now depending who you like better, the hippies (Freedom) or the gun-toting assholes (Duty), a scene will play out when you ask "hey, ya wanna recruit some new dudes?"

Here's how it played out for me:

I'm so proud of them.

Ok maybe it didn't play like THAT, but still I went with Freedom because their not fucking lunatics.

Shortly after we all crack open some booze at the bar, an emission hits us.

Ah, irony: I shall have a drink for you.

Crashed helicopter + MINES = Pain and swears

 I can't believe it took me an hour+ to figure this "puzzle" out...

So I decided to find out what happened to Stingray 1, one of the crashed helicopters in Call of Pripryat.

Thankfully when taking my stroll through the zone nothing had the urge or an itch to eat me, maul me, shoot me, or shout insults at me.

There was a zombie but he was more interested in humping a random wall, so I just let the two lovebirds be.

Now when you arrive at the crash site, the only thing standing between you and that bird is a wide, open field. The field is a lie.

I thought to myself "Oh, well this is easy!"

*Takes three steps into field. Steps on a mine, has free trip to Mars.*

Me: 0
Minefield: 1

I proably should've seen this sign first:

Thanks for the warning!

So, quick question: Who the fuck lands a HELICOPTER, in the middle of a MINEFIELD?????

Chucking bolts left and right only led to a "click" sound, which politely put means "don't step here dumbass!"

Running and jumping don't work. The blatant path you see there (the big white road) is mined, so what now?

Not shown, there are these poles dotting the place: Follow the poles people. They don't lie.

Finally over, the crew is dead (ya don't say...) and the black box is intact. Sweet! Now let's GTFO before anything horrible happens!

I spoke too soon.

Well that takes care of one problem.

Minefield: 20
Dumb mutated pigs: -20
Me: One happy camper

Can I have ONE mission without a herd of mutants swarming me?

Noone said Fleshes (One-eyed pigs mainly) were smart. Noone said you can't eat them either, according to the S.T.A.L.K.E.R folklore.

Well, I won't go hungry tonight!

Picture of running fleshes supplied by the internet.

How not to negotiate with people

 Was playing some Call of Pripryat (COP) when some very interesting events happened to me...

While in Yanov Station, some dude was blubbering about how he can't pay this guy or something.
Turns out he was in the mist of a loansharking scam.

Being the good samaritan I am, I agreed to go talk to the dude who holds his balls in a glass jar, and attempt to get his manhood back for him.

Strolling through the zone, (after  several blind dogs chew on my ass, rats multiplying before my eyes, and a chimera who was "practicing" long jump for next years Olympics) I make it to the Checkpoint where this "Boss" is.

Now when you talk to the whiny SOB, he tells you he owes around six grand or so. When you talk to the bandit boss, it's seven grand plus interest. Don't you just love bandits?

Three things can happen:

1) You can give the money willie nilly and piss off
2) Argue that it should be nowhere near seven + interest, and threaten him "with a big shooter"
3) Screw negotiations, blast them all back to the fucking stone age!

I decided to argue with the fact, since my momma raised no fool and all.
His rebuttal was eight plus interest. My rebuttal was shooting him in the head with a rifle.

Me: 1
Bandits: 0

Now his buddies obviously didn't like the fact I killed their boss and attempted to shoot me with what might as well be mushed peas (I was wearing an exoskeleton).

Ever seen "The Terminator"? You know that scene where he blasts all the cops in the police station? Imagine me as Arnold, and the cops as bandits. You should get the idea.

20 minutes later, I have more bodies than a mortician lying around.

So. Much. Looting to do.

Yeah that is the end result of, say, 15 or so bandits. Trust me, Most of them are in the pile inside the doorway there.

Me: 15
Bandits: -25 (for attempting to kill me with mushed peas as bullets).

After telling my new friend what I did, he might as well have bowed to me in greatness.

"Wow! Your hardcore!" he said.

Nah, that was just a average day at the office for me.

Punching Khaki-panted demos

 I noticed something when playing DOOM yesterday. Hopefully I'm not the only one.

So while playing with my DOOM-buddy, as I call him, I got lost after dying from a goddam invisible Pinky demon. Shit heads that they are...

On my way back I had the up most pleasure of running into a Baron of Hell with an entourage.

Feeling like a badass (first mistake) I decided to punch the thing in the unmentionables until it croaked and melted into a pile of guts.

I should've realized if this thing can take a direct hit with the frickin BFG, then punching it is gonna feel like a massage to the groin for him. Or it.

I mentioned that it was wearing khaki pants while whipping me back to the spawn.

My friend denied the fact that the Baron was wearing khaki pants; didn't believe me for a second. Then, he got a closer look, after I was done punching it.

Doesn't it look like it is wearing khaki's?

"I must look fashionable for chucking green fireballs at dumbass marines who punch me in the groin."

Now this is just a personal opinion, feel free to develop your own conclusion.

Then again I imagine big boy here to have a Romanian accent and like long walks on the demonic beach and dinner by skull-lit candlelight.

Suddenly I feel like wearing khaki pants now.

I am not a survivor.

 So I finally got some photos of me dying totally kicking ass in survival in Minecraft.

We decided to build separate houses as mentioned by my friend who, again, brung up the idea to cannibalize me first. Such a nice friend!

I was unable to gather enough materials to finish my house, (i.e a DOOR) which soon led me to a confrontation with a skeleton, three creepers, and a spider.

I manage to kill the skeleton with three hearts remaining.

Me: 1

Monsters: 0

A few seconds later and borrowed some wood from a neighbor, I have a door. Only to have this chap to come and say "hi",

I watch you while your sleeping
.

I grab a sword and whack his ass into bone meal.

Me: 2

Monsters: 0

Soon after the creepers start to invade. And when I say "invade"I mean "spawn on every square inch of grass populating the country side."

Four creepers attempt to blow me up and my house. Only one manages to do so.

Me: 2
Monsters: -4 (suckers!)

About two minutes later, the spiders invaded. I decided to try and get a picture of one up close. You know, like they do it on the Discovery Channel. After five different attempts, I finally got one: 

Waaaaaaaay too close for comfort. 

Totally. Wort. It.

Me: -3 (for the times I died getting that picture)
Monsters: 1 (bastards.)

I think the next update should give us the ability to create a can of frickin Raid. That'll fuckin teach those spiders!