'Twas the Night Before Christmas...Not your Grandma's Poem

 So this is a project I have been working on for a couple of weeks now. Hopefully you all enjoy my rendition of the famous poem. This is not to be taken seriously, it's just for fun. Hence, the title of this blog.

If you are a parent do not read this rendition to your kids for God sakes. If you do, and they start swearing like Uncle Canadian Dude here, well that's your own fucking fault.

EDIT: There was a verse being repeated and a couple words missing. All is well now.

I like to dedicate this post to my Mom and Dad. They are the two funniest people I know, and it's their love and humor that made me who I am. I love you Mom and Dad!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas: As told by Canadian Dude

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a person was stirring, except for a mouse. And his mouse trap;

The stockings were hung without a care, 

In hopes that some fat ass, would soon drop here;

The mama’s boy snuggled alone in his basement, 

With visions of employment dancing impatient;

And mama in her ‘kerchief and I butt naked, 

Had just settled in for some laughter with Hawkeye and the 'Cap,

When out in the yard there arose such a noise,

I sprung from my bed to shout at the boys.

Away to the window I flew open the flash, 
“Shut the fuck up! Were trying to watch M*A*S*H!” 

The moon on the teat of new-fallen snow

Gave the glare on hustlers below,

When, what to my wondering drunk eyes should appear, 

But a friggn sleigh and eight friggn reindeer.

With a fat old driver, so drunken and thick, 

I knew I had to get off the sauce, quick.

More slowly than a Sunday driver he came, 

As he burped and slurred all of their names;

“Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! 

*Hic!* On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder *burp* Blitzen!

To the top of that house! To the top of the Beer Store! 

Now dash away, dash away from the police now!

As snow flurries into the moonlight sky, 

It almost knocks out the fat guy, mid sky,

So up to our house-top the bitches flew, 

With a sleigh full of toys, well St. Nicholas hopes so too.

And then, in a shuffle, I heard a tumble

The crunch and crumble, of reindeer tumble.

As I drew around, to call the police, 

Down the chimney, came a fat white teat.

He was dressed in fur, sicker than shit, 

While his clothes covered with pits;

A bundle of toys he whipped to his back, 

He looked like a homeless man, begging for a flask.

His eyes -- oh so saggy! His dimples, oh so fatty!

His cheeks were rosy! But that could’ve been the Brandy.

His drool little mouth drooled a lob of spit, 

With his big white beard becoming a catchers mitt;

The stump of a cigar he held tight with his lip, 

And the smoke it encircled the room like a bitch;

He had a broad face with his wide ass fading,

He was uglier than Rosemary’s Baby.

He was plump and fat, like a senior’s old cat,

And I laughed as I saw him, despite my fat white ass;

A hic and a burp, 

Gave me worry to herp;

He spoke in mumbles, as the toys jumbled, 

And filled the stockings; and turned in a jerk,

A quick hit of a flask, 

He flew up with a flash;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his bitches he whistled,

And away they pulled a jolly old fat guy, they thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a *hic* night!”

Fin.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

From Uncle Canadian Dude with love!