So for some of us, Christmas is fast approaching. So fast, that some of you haven't even went shopping yet for loved ones, family and friends. Some of you proably will be with family and friends this year, lucky you!
No sweat! Uncle Canadian Dude's got you covered! I happen to be an expert at this time of year! Not just for how to celebrate Halloween!
So grab an ice cube to sit on, a pen and paper to write with, and let Uncle Canadian Dude give you the ropes. Trust me, I am not a professional.
Gift cards are your best friend
- I know what you're thinking, "Gift cards are a poor man's gift and lazy! Only dip shits give out gift cards!"
That depends on who your giving it to. Ya don't really wanna give a "Home Depot" gift card to someone who doesn't know what a hand saw is, or hammers in nails with the wrong side of the hammer.
You know who you are.
And ya don't wanna give a card to "Best Buy" if someone doesn't know how to even turn on a laptop. Or God forbid hits that ONE button that nukes Germany and separates Quebec from Canada.
That doesn't sound like a bad idea...
My point: Do your research. Find out what the person's haunts are, then find out what is too friggn' expensive to afford them and give them some money and tell them to go nuts.
If all fails, there's always iTunes points.
Wrap the bloody gifts!
- Once the shopping is done and your wallet shits out moths, now it's time for the hard work: Wrapping your gifts.
Don't roll your eyes at me! I know for a fact some of you have on occasion, shoved a gift in a bag, covered it with colorful paper, and said, "Here ya go! A pair of pink fucking underwear!" Or, "Merry Christmas! A Justin Bieber CD and the "Twilight" movie series!"
If this happens you have all the permission in the world to beat these people down with a giant Santa Clause ornament or slit their throats with a sharpened candy cane.
It's not difficult to wrap a present. If your like me, you put lots of wrapping paper on, and then continue to tape every singe edge of the present. I'm talking folds, cracks, open airwaves, even wife's and girlfriends and mothers who are nagging at you saying, "You're doing it wrong!" or, "That's too much tape!"
I personally would use duct tape in that situation. It's not called a handy man's secret weapon for no reason!
Your welcome ahead of time gentlemen.
The mistletoe doesn't always friggn' work
- Coming from a single guy like me, of course it's not gonna work. For the rest of you married or in a relationship: Ho, ho, ho.
Now if your like me, you would try to take advantage of said plant. Carrying it around, trying to get that lady to pucker up. Usually that ends in a slap, kick to the red berries, (or will be once that happens) pepper spray or taser to the head, chest, or the "tree branch."
Thankfully all I ever got was rejection. But I have seen desperate people get kicked in the ass before. So do me a favor single people: Don't camp under the bloody twigs and berries hoping for "the one." My advice: Hit the bar scene with a wingman.
Or just stay at home, lock the door and play Xbox all the time. Then curl up into a ball and cry yourself to sleep at night. That's what I do...
Enjoy the holidays!
- Pretty self explanatory. Enjoy the holidays with your friends, family, and loved ones. It's a time to get together, relax and drink a punched fruit bowl. Just do me a favor if you do get wasted, stay as far away from the tree as possible.
Ya don't wanna set the tree on fire, destroy it, or dry hump it to pieces. You may come up with a new sexually transmitted disease: Tree-sap rash.
Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas from Today on Random and me, Canadian Dude. Have a happy and safe holiday off!
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