Wolves, a Bobcat, and Redcoats Walk Into a Bar...

A WORD OF WORDS: I fixed up my potty mouth a bit. I got a little too happy writing this one. 

So I was playing Assassins Creed Three last night when shit got real for me and I felt like a dumbass not getting any pics of the action.

Right so I was in the area called "Frontier", which is basically one giant-ass hunting ground full of shit. I was tasked of helping a french guy blow up a mine, because he wanted to make a knife for some lady so he can get laid.

Story of my life.

Anyways after defending him for five minutes and looting the corpses of dumbasses, I saw there was another person in need of assistance.

Pretty much at the other end of the map.

Which means it's time to take an hours walk to get to this person.

Did I mention it was winter in the game? Did I also say the snow was deeper than the Grand Canyon and walking in it took AGES? There's more snow here than in my backyard.

Anyways I started what would turn out to be an honest-to-God hour walk through snow.

As I was strolling along a lone wolf was taking a piss on a hillside. Well what else would it be doing? It's a wild animal in it's natural habitat.

Which means an opportunity to skin it for it's fur, nails, teeth and whatever else is inside.

Now any wild dangerous animal that attacks you triggers a quick-time event: Hit two corresponding buttons and you insta-kill it. Easy.

WELL after I killed that fur ball, my radar lights up like a fucking Christmas tree full of red dots.

"What is attacking me?" I asked myself. Turns out, I pissed off a very large, very angry wolf pack of 12. And they were beyond pissed.

I had flashbacks of killing Sif from Dark Souls, and figured these were his family coming for revenge. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, what have you.

One by one, they all charged me, with one little shit jumping one me and almost ripping my throat out. Once all was said and done I had the pleasure of skinning them all.

Before you rage message me PETA: Skinning animals in the game is a way of selling their pelts, teeth, etc. to stores for money. The game is based in Colonial era.

Once all was said and done I had enough fur pelts to make a tent and a sleeping bag. Good because this snow storm is getting ugly and it's another two fucking days hike to whomever is in trouble.

So after finally hitting a path I was close to my objective. But along the way there was these two silhouettes in the distance. Turns out it was a Elk and what appeared to be another friggn' wolf.

Seeing as I was not gonna have another wolf eat me, I decided to shoot the friggn' thing and be off. It was no wolf, especially since it growled like a pissed off kitty and jumped on my face.

"AHHHH! GET IT OFF!!! IT'S IN MY HAIR! NOT MY FACE!" I screamed as I mashed  the "B" button. Chucking the shit head off and repaying the favor by repeatedly stabbing it until it croaked it's last meow.

This is why I hate cats. They fuck your shit up.

Thankfully it didn't do enough damage that I needed facial reconstruction, plus I was able to get the Elk as a bonus. NOW I could march up the hill and...

Fuck. Redcoats. And they were beating up some "overweight" gentlemen. I used a battle axe I stole from some Scottish dude and whooped some ass. Chuck Norris would be proud.

"Order up: One can of whoop-ass!"

Once the dude was saved I offered him land so he could live happily and not be pestered by any more. Before I could ask him if he could help me carry all these pelts, he disappears into thin-fucking-air.

"No it's OK!" I said to my television, "I'll just make the long walk back to my house and rest easy and recover! It's not like all of Nature is out to kick my ASS!!!!"

While walking back to my home, a wolf spawned in front of me. Since I didn't know if there was another legion of Sif ghosts waiting to kill me, I took a detour and told him to fuck his own furry ass. 

Next time, I bring a bottle of wolf piss. That'll fucking keep them at bay.

A Belated White Christmas

 Well for years it has been a "Green" Christmas and warm Decembers where I live. For some time there hasn't been enough snow to even hold up our Canadian reputation to be called "Eskimos."

Where I live, our little town rest in a ravine of sorts. My friends outside of my town know this because I never shat up about it. Then again a blonde kept talking about Kingston every five minutes and a fellow Colombian swore his country was more than just cigars, coffee and drug lords.

I guess were all guilty a wee bit eh? By the way, if those two people are reading this, I am just kidding! You may erase your FB hate messages.

Anyways recently the news (CP24) was having an absolute fit about a coming snow storm; a rather large one that would dump on the whole province. Now in the past i would call bluff, and say the monkey spinning the wheel in the background got it wrong. 99% of the time they were.

However, as of last night while most of us were snug in our beds imagining whatever, Mother Nature decided she wanted to give us a belated "White Christmas."

You can't tell: but there was, quite literally, five feet of snow, maybe even more.

Now anyone from Europe will look at these and laugh their asses of. Seeing as Ukraine got 25 feet of snow?

This is just kids stuff.

The backyard itself had mountains. I almost found myself face-first in a pile of dirt and concrete losing my footing. Then there was a fort hanging above our backdoor, just waiting to fall on somebody.

I took the liberty of removing it, only for it to fall on me. "Well at least I got my shower in!" I told myself. Only to continue to remove/rain more fucking snow on my friggn' self.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't drenched in the shit and freezing what arms I had off.

Mother Nature: 1
Me: 0

And as I write this my mom called me to look at the back deck: it is now covered in fucking snow again. It seems Mother Nature isn't done giving us that "snow storm" yet.

If anybody wants me I'll be outside cursing the Gods and my puny weak-ass shovel. Probably singing "Let It Snow," by Vaughn Monroe while I'm at it.

Yep, I am crazy.

Edit: According to the news, everywhere from Ottawa to Texas is hit with fucking snow. Since when did the south get hit with snow??? How them Southerners gonna shovel their trucks out of them snow pits?

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...Not your Grandma's Poem

 So this is a project I have been working on for a couple of weeks now. Hopefully you all enjoy my rendition of the famous poem. This is not to be taken seriously, it's just for fun. Hence, the title of this blog.

If you are a parent do not read this rendition to your kids for God sakes. If you do, and they start swearing like Uncle Canadian Dude here, well that's your own fucking fault.

EDIT: There was a verse being repeated and a couple words missing. All is well now.

I like to dedicate this post to my Mom and Dad. They are the two funniest people I know, and it's their love and humor that made me who I am. I love you Mom and Dad!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas: As told by Canadian Dude

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a person was stirring, except for a mouse. And his mouse trap;

The stockings were hung without a care, 

In hopes that some fat ass, would soon drop here;

The mama’s boy snuggled alone in his basement, 

With visions of employment dancing impatient;

And mama in her ‘kerchief and I butt naked, 

Had just settled in for some laughter with Hawkeye and the 'Cap,

When out in the yard there arose such a noise,

I sprung from my bed to shout at the boys.

Away to the window I flew open the flash, 
“Shut the fuck up! Were trying to watch M*A*S*H!” 

The moon on the teat of new-fallen snow

Gave the glare on hustlers below,

When, what to my wondering drunk eyes should appear, 

But a friggn sleigh and eight friggn reindeer.

With a fat old driver, so drunken and thick, 

I knew I had to get off the sauce, quick.

More slowly than a Sunday driver he came, 

As he burped and slurred all of their names;

“Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! 

*Hic!* On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder *burp* Blitzen!

To the top of that house! To the top of the Beer Store! 

Now dash away, dash away from the police now!

As snow flurries into the moonlight sky, 

It almost knocks out the fat guy, mid sky,

So up to our house-top the bitches flew, 

With a sleigh full of toys, well St. Nicholas hopes so too.

And then, in a shuffle, I heard a tumble

The crunch and crumble, of reindeer tumble.

As I drew around, to call the police, 

Down the chimney, came a fat white teat.

He was dressed in fur, sicker than shit, 

While his clothes covered with pits;

A bundle of toys he whipped to his back, 

He looked like a homeless man, begging for a flask.

His eyes -- oh so saggy! His dimples, oh so fatty!

His cheeks were rosy! But that could’ve been the Brandy.

His drool little mouth drooled a lob of spit, 

With his big white beard becoming a catchers mitt;

The stump of a cigar he held tight with his lip, 

And the smoke it encircled the room like a bitch;

He had a broad face with his wide ass fading,

He was uglier than Rosemary’s Baby.

He was plump and fat, like a senior’s old cat,

And I laughed as I saw him, despite my fat white ass;

A hic and a burp, 

Gave me worry to herp;

He spoke in mumbles, as the toys jumbled, 

And filled the stockings; and turned in a jerk,

A quick hit of a flask, 

He flew up with a flash;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his bitches he whistled,

And away they pulled a jolly old fat guy, they thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a *hic* night!”

Fin.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

From Uncle Canadian Dude with love!

You call this an Apocalypse?

 Well as I sit and write this in my pajamas I continue to ponder what all the fuss was about with this "Apocalypse" stuff. I was originally going to make this a boring old update post, but I am in some pain and sick, so I will have fun with this.

Why, oh why did so many bloody people give a fuss about the friggn' end-of-the-world bullcrap? Everyone points to the Mayan calendar showing that it ends pretty much around this time, which gives warning bells to dumbasses...excuse me; rednecks, jocks, hipsters and rarely stoners, that were all gonna die!

Uh...last time I checked, the Mayans didn't see a couple things coming their way:

- The arrival of the Conquistadors
- The soon-to-be full-scale war with the Conquistadors
- Their own friggn' annihilation
- The coming of "Twilight."

Would you really rely on a society that didn't even see their own demise coming towards them like a freight train?

Hell, Nostradamus is a better medium to tell us when the aliens will invade us and probe our asses.

Now, as for the "Four Horseman," I would be dammed well surprised if they could travel the globe, on horseback, and wipe out entire civilizations.

They would be making some pit stops along the way to sink in the sights. Like the Three Gorges Damn spewing out lava instead of water. Las Vegas turns into one of the seven circles of hell. I bet Gluttony.

Or why not stop by Quebec? Fake-french people who despise the English? Sounds like an average day at the office for the horseman.

Personally, a zombie apocalypse has a better chance of popping up than Godzilla trampling through Japan.

And if it does, us nerds will be the last ones standing. Why do you think "Left 4 Dead" exist? As a fun game? Nooooo, it's a zombie-training simulator.

Then again, there are hundreds of people who have spent - ballparking it - thousands on guns, nuke shelters, maybe a small army in the event shit DOES hit the fan. Those poor freaks.

The rest of us just point and laugh at their existence. Saying "crazy ass fools! That shit will never happen!" And then we find out we will be the first to die. Figures.

Whatever you believe in: Zombie apocalypse, end of the world, Honey Boo-boo runs for President, 10-to-one something's gonna go down. But right now, I think it's best to just enjoy life to the fullest and not worry about the little things.

So if your currently in your bomb shelter reading this:

YOU CAN COME OUT NOW. Ya crazy son's of bitches.

How to Celebrate the Christmas Holidays!

So for some of us, Christmas is fast approaching. So fast, that some of you haven't even went shopping yet for loved ones, family and friends. Some of you proably will be with family and friends this year, lucky you!

No sweat! Uncle Canadian Dude's got you covered! I happen to be an expert at this time of year! Not just for how to celebrate Halloween!

So grab an ice cube to sit on, a pen and paper to write with, and let Uncle Canadian Dude give you the ropes. Trust me, I am not a professional.

Gift cards are your best friend
- I know what you're thinking, "Gift cards are a poor man's gift and lazy! Only dip shits give out gift cards!"

That depends on who your giving it to. Ya don't really wanna give a "Home Depot" gift card to someone who doesn't know what a hand saw is, or hammers in nails with the wrong side of the hammer.

You know who you are.

And ya don't wanna give a card to "Best Buy" if someone doesn't know how to even turn on a laptop. Or God forbid hits that ONE button that nukes Germany and separates Quebec from Canada.

That doesn't sound like a bad idea...

My point: Do your research. Find out what the person's haunts are, then find out what is too friggn' expensive to afford them and give them some money and tell them to go nuts.

If all fails, there's always iTunes points.

Wrap the bloody gifts!
- Once the shopping is done and your wallet shits out moths, now it's time for the hard work: Wrapping your gifts.

Don't roll your eyes at me! I know for a fact some of you have on occasion, shoved a gift in a bag, covered it with colorful paper, and said, "Here ya go! A pair of pink fucking underwear!" Or, "Merry Christmas! A Justin Bieber CD and the "Twilight" movie series!"

If this happens you have all the permission in the world to beat these people down with a giant Santa Clause ornament or slit their throats with a sharpened candy cane.

It's not difficult to wrap a present. If your like me, you put lots of wrapping paper on, and then continue to tape every singe edge of the present. I'm talking folds, cracks, open airwaves, even wife's and girlfriends and mothers who are nagging at you saying, "You're doing it wrong!" or, "That's too much tape!"

I personally would use duct tape in that situation. It's not called a handy man's secret weapon for no reason!

Your welcome ahead of time gentlemen.

The mistletoe doesn't always friggn' work
- Coming from a single guy like me, of course it's not gonna work. For the rest of you married or in a relationship: Ho, ho, ho.

Now if your like me, you would try to take advantage of said plant. Carrying it around, trying to get that lady to pucker up. Usually that ends in a slap, kick to the red berries, (or will be once that happens) pepper spray or taser to the head, chest, or the "tree branch."

Thankfully all I ever got was rejection. But I have seen desperate people get kicked in the ass before. So do me a favor single people: Don't camp under the bloody twigs and berries hoping for "the one." My advice: Hit the bar scene with a wingman.

Or just stay at home, lock the door and play Xbox all the time. Then curl up into a ball and cry yourself to sleep at night. That's what I do...

Enjoy the holidays!
- Pretty self explanatory. Enjoy the holidays with your friends, family, and loved ones. It's a time to get together, relax and drink a punched fruit bowl. Just do me a favor if you do get wasted, stay as far away from the tree as possible.

Ya don't wanna set the tree on fire, destroy it, or dry hump it to pieces. You may come up with a new sexually transmitted disease: Tree-sap rash.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas from Today on Random and me, Canadian Dude. Have a happy and safe holiday off!

Hi my name is "Baby T-rex."

So this happened years ago, but I figured you all need to laugh at the humility that I committed. This post is dedicated to my buddies Conquer, Limp Bizkit, and DuskJustin.

So years ago, Xbox Live had the game show 1 vs. 100 on some nights or so. Me and my gang of misfits would hop into the lobby, do the grandpa dance and mock each others taste in fashion, women, and each other for good measure.

I personally called us the "Dancing Misfits." And thank God nobody else could see us. I think our message centre would be chock full of people insulting us. White men CANNOT DANCE.

Anyways we were part of the audience as usual; mocking the dumbass or lady who became "the one," and shout profanity at him/her about their mother.

Ok that was mostly Conquer but I digress.

There was a question that came up, which I think went along the lines of this:

Which Dinosaur was known as the "Speedy Theif?"

A) Oviraptor

B) Tyrannosaurus Rex

C) Velociraptor

Now, as a kid, I LOVED Dinosaurs. That's all I ever talked about. Hell I almost went into Paleontology, until I found out you had to be outside for long periods of time. I was a special child.

Anyways, when you answer a question early and fast before the answer, you get bonus points. I was going for an achievement to answer five or so in a row.

Now I know the answer is Velociraptor. Hell my brain was shouting at me "C! C!!!!!!!!!!! Raptor Jesus dumbass!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I chose B before the question even finished.

See, my brain was talking, but my hand was ignoring my signals and had an epileptic fit and hit the B button on my controller.

What followed was endless laughter by the gang and a new nickname from DuskJustin: Baby T-Rex.

Needless to say I never forgive myself, especially since the show was cancelled. Bastards.

So to this day my nickname is now " Baby T-Rex." Now I just look back and laugh my ass off about it. I miss those times when me and the Dancing Misfits would get together and mock each other and bust a move. I also miss Jen Taylor being the hostess but that's a different story.

Dancing Misfits for life.

Caution: Assassin's may rewire your crap to kill you

 So more Dishonored shenanigans for ya. This time the events that took place were totally not my fault. Most of it.

So I was sent on a mission to find this important character of the game, who was being held in a brothel of all places (this game is based around Victorian-era London I presume).

Before I move on, the game has these whale oil tanks that everyone uses to power just about anything. These tanks, are very volatile: sneeze at them and kaboom.

So I was at a intersection where these pylons (one was adjacent to the other in a doorway) were giving off electricity. Thankfully a couple of guards were standing there having a conversation about this thing.

Turns out it's called a "Wall of Light." Basically only city guards can pass through unharmed. Everyone else who touches it, soon goes zap! Kerplunk! Boom! And turns into ash and takes the stairway to heaven. Or bullet train to hell whatever works.

Now here's just one of the awesome things about Dishonored: these "wall of light's" (and other gadgets that can kill you) have a wire leading it to a whale oil tank, OR a console you can re-wire so that it don't kill you, but fries the city guard.

Thankfully, where I was hiding, there were three tanks + the one plugged in. But I decided I wanted to be evil for a minute. In order to hack these consoles, you need a re-wire tool. I had three. So with Dumb and Dumber still talking, I sneakily (it's a word) went up to the box, opened her up and re-wired that sucker.

A message pops up saying you no longer will get hurt from these things. Unfortunately my electrician skills didn't go unoticed. Dumb and Dumber noticed me and called upon their five or six other guys on the other side of said wall for help. Dumber however is very impatient, and decided to try and shoot me with a bloody pistol.

He didn't put into perspective that I was standing behind thick sheets of metal framing, and four volatile tanks within his cross-hairs. Just before he pulled the trigger, a buddy of his runs right into the wall, and turns into a pit of ash, just as Dumber pulls the trigger, igniting the barrels, and sending him and his buddy Dumb a free friggn' trip to the Moon.

"Well that was entertaining!" I said aloud. After that, the rest of the pack of dumbasses formed a nice neat line and one-by-one got burned to a crisp as they walked into my wall of pain. I never said they were smart guards.

It turns out after a certain number of things run into the wall, it turns off because it runs out of whale oil juice. Pretty much my fault as I chucked in a couple of dead bodies I had strewn around the map. Cutting out the middle man and saving the mortician the leisure of screwing with bodies.

Why should they have all the fun?

A Duel Eh? Have a Slo-Mo Bullet to the Throat!

 So I recently got Dishonored as an early gift of sorts, and I frigging' love this game. I will not go into detail about the game: too much to talk about.

Anyways at some point I was tasked with crashing a party to kill some lady who and her sisters are real evil and what not. But I had a optional objective to see some dude and give him a note.

The party was a masquerade, or a masked-ball of sorts. My "other target" was wearing a wolf mask. Easy enough, seeing as everyone else was wearing a fly, a whale, a giant-frigging' shark, and I think a tumor.

Dunno. Didn't care. Because everyone had pouches full of money I could pick-pocket off and no one would catch me in the process.

Hey, they were all rich aristocrats, and I'm an assassin: I need to get paid for my job SOMEHOW. And they don't need it. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!

Anyways after eaves dropping, excuse me "listening" to some gents talking about my target being outside, I quickly picked their coin purses, mocked their masks and bad style choice, and legged it to my buddy.

He was with two city guards, who were having a smoke and shooting the shit with Mr. Wolf, as I will call him.

So I walk up to him all like "Yo, Mr. Wolf, I totally have this letter for ya from a friend of mine." The friend is a major character in the game, who asked you to give the note to Mr. Wolf.

So I gave the note to him, and he trows it to the ground and starts gettn' all angry and stuff.

"Damn him that cowardly piece of shit!" he exclaimed.

I'm standing here thinking "what is going on?"

Then we walk up to this box, and one of the guards is like "Let it be known there are two pistols in this box and Mr. Wolf and the civilian are to be armed."

A DUEL?!!??!?!??!?!?!?!

The guard continues, "You will both step on the marked platforms and await for my count from three. Then you will both turn around and fire."

CAN'T I JUST CUT THE BITCH IN HALF? OR SUMMON A PACK OF RATS TO EAT HIM?

Mr. Wolf, impatient stops the guard. "Yes, yes let's get on with it. I will kill this fool and we can head back inside."

DO I LOOK LIKE A BITCH?!?!?!?!?!

You know, I think rats are too good for you. A pack of squirrels to eat you alive seems like a better idea. Heh, heh, heh.

So we take our positions and I wait for guard dude to count. Now the game gives you these powers, one of which can slow down time.

So when the guard hits "one," I hit "Slow-mo," turn around, and shoot the bitch in the throat.

"Witchcraft!" the guard yells.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?!" I rebuttal.

"Another patron dead," the second guard said. "Let's go get some whiskey. Let the Boyle's clean this mess up."

Cheers, guys! So in total gloat I summon a pack of rats to eat the bastards corpse while laughing devilishly.

This apparently pissed off four other guards including the two dumb and dumber, which came over, beat my rats into paste, and then continued to hack at me.

"DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?! Yes. Yes he does. So let me have my glory, assholes."

Note to self: Just tea bag the fucker and move right along. Which I did after a re-load. And I stole his coin purse and mocked his mask. Ha. Ha.

Lesson of the day kiddies: If your in a duel, use slow-motion time-bending bullshit to turn around and shoot the bastard and then gloat as the guards look in awe.

But don't summon a pack of rats to "hide" the body. Uncle Canadian Dude learned the hard way what happens if done so.

Part 1B- "Can't Fix the Tram." My Ass.

 This is part two of episode one. Which is here.

Alright we have an objective now: Fix the friggn' tram and replace the data board. So that the two happy couple can stop arguing in my fucking ears!

Yes game, I know.

You two better appreciate this. not like your in any danger what-so-ever.

Just in case your wondering, the board to activate said tram won't let you send the broken tram car.

Ah, well, kiss my ass then, computer!

So now we have to become "Errand boy" for this leg of the race. First search some lockers for med kit and ammo.

Gimme.

I forgot to mention: Each playthrough will randomize the lockers, boxes, etc. It all depends what weapons you have with you for ammo drops, As for health and credits there is no specifics. Just remember the harder the difficulty, the less ammo you'll have scrounging up.

There are two directions you can go to. This direction leads to a medium med kit and an audio log, and a locked elevator.

The other is the way you have to go to fix the tram car. So yes, go this way first.

Oh, hey Mike. You don't look so good man.

If ya don't mind Mike, I'm just gonna CURB STOMP you in case you get up and try to kill me.

Oh, God, what does Hammond want now?

Hammond: Isaac, be careful. Shooting them in the body didn't seem to work. Go for the limbs, dismember them. That should do the job.

NO I'M GONNA DO A 360 AND SHOOT OFF THEIR HEADS AND PROCLAIM THAT "I AM MLG!"

Yeah one big annoyance: They bash this tactic over your head. Kinda annoying after you played this game religiously. They fixed it for the second though.

Oh, look. A big empty hallway.

You know, Hammond and Kendra could've just hopped down, and fixed the tram themselves. It's a hop skip away from their platform. No sense arguing with them. I'll let them argue with themselves. Pricks.

Walking down this hallway, you hear a roar echo through the place. Thankfully nothing comes out to get you. Be warned though it is from a creature you will meet later. And it is big.

Get to here and this door is having a seizure. Step in it's way and you will be chopped in half.

 Kinda like those dead guys there.

First, let's see what's in the box.

Eh, ammo's always good.

Now it's time to pick up your Best Friend Forever.

The Stasis Module. 

Wadda know, it fits perfectly!

Stasis is the act of slowing down a fast object, (malfunctioning door) or slowing down fast enemies.

In other words: You be fast, they be slow!

Yes game, I just said that.

Kendra: Looks like that door is malfunctioning, Isaac. Try using the Stasis Module you just picked up.

And how do you know I just did such a thing?

These stasis recharge stations fill up your meter fully.

Your stasis meter is shown in the half circle on Isaac's right shoulder. When this runs out, you have no stasis. 

Hey, door: FREEZE!

And now we may continue.

Keep an eye out for stasis packs. These are portable recharge stations, but they only fill so much.

While entering the hallway to the tram, the lights go off, and the hallway is pitch black. 

I wasn't kidding when I said "pitch black."

What appears to be noises can be heard above you, as if your being stalked by the creatures.

Eventually the lights go back on. And we can move on.

First we will do something I never done: Go into the washrooms.

In all the time playing this game, I have never went into the washrooms. Too scared to do so. Because nothing EVER good comes out of the washrooms.

If anyone wants to kill me, speak now or forever hold thyne peace.

The dudes side has a med kit.

The girl's side has ammo.

No, there wasn't anyone alive in there. And no, nothing attacked me. Figures.

Near a locked door, curb stomp a box for loot.

Nom.

Now we can fix the tram. Good Lord who the hell beat it up this bad?

I blame teenagers. 

I'm watching you two. One eye open bitches.

And here is how you upgrade your stuff: Power Nodes.

These things are the key to upgrading your suit and weapons at a work bench. They can be bought but cost 10,000 credits. They are rare finds so be careful how you use them.

Oh, God: Kendra again.

Kendra: Your stasis module should be able to help you with that arm mechanism.

What she means is one of the hooks there is broken. So if you activate it, she retracts.

This one works well. Yay.

Oh, look: Company.

Hold still; there's something on your face. let me shoot it off for ya.

There, better now?

Two dead guys and an item box. This is no way a trap.

Son of a bitch.

This one is different color. Which means he's tougher. You will encounter different varieties all across the game. They all want to kill you. Figures to that.

So wadda you have to say?

Engineer: Listen up, car 8 is trashed. We managed to get it back to the repair depot, but now the auto-loader is fired.

Engineer: I need a Stasis module brought down here now! If we don't get this piece of shit off the tracks, it's going to jam up the whole system!

Don't worry: i will fix it. Since your dead and your buddy kindly gave me his module.

Stay put ya fried arm.

When attached, activate the replacement cycle.

Computer: Replacing damaged tram car. Please stand by.

Oh, joy: Something's gonna attack me now eh?

I was right.

Kendra: Isaac you did it! That tram was blocking the whole system.

Well duh.

Kendra: When you get the computer online, you'll be able to call the tram from the control room. Faster the better...I can hear something crawling around out there...

Yeah me too. FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

And look who wants to spoil my fun.

He didn't drop anything. HE deserves a curb stomp on the forehead. or what's left of it.

The new car is replaced onto the track as the arms place the shiny new tram car.

Computer: Tram replacement complete.

Thanks computer. At least you ain't out to kill me/give me errands/bitch in my ear. Good old technology.

Part three here. (Eventually.)