So I was playing some Assassins Creed Three single player yesterday, when a mission turned into a friggn' hairy blood bath.
With the game finished and me bored, I decided to take upon a side quest of sorts. There are these missions in Frontier you can take, with one of them honing your hunting skills.
This one dude was taking about some patch of land good for some settlers. "But a bear with a taste for human blood seems to have settled their first," he saids so calmly.
Ah, I see Hannibal Lecter strikes again.
Turns out my hunting ground was, again, all the way across the fucking world. Which means another nature walk through the back country.
On my way I was attacked by a wolf who can phase through trees and whole earth to gnaw at my face, and I managed to kill Star Fox before he becomes Star Fox.
Sorry Nintendo fan boys, I couldn't find Slippy the shitty-useless-whiny toad anywhere.
Anyways as soon as I arrive at my destination, I am greeted by the locals. Which was a black bear sipping by a river.
I decided I sneak around the big bastard and start examining the crime scene. A blood spill next to a house tells me this bear just made a fresh kill. I knew watching "CSI" would pay off sometime.
The bear behind me didn't like me snooping and decided to give me a bear hug. I politely declined only to get almost mauled. But he went down and now his fur will be a nice tent to camp in.
Down the way searching for more clues, it appears our man-eating friend is in a cave, surrounded by a legion of black bears. In total five bears and a cougar, but it pissed it's pants and ran for it.
Smart animal.
So I took on Yogi's brother first, whooping his ass. Then I took on his cousin, who wasn't too happy to see me. Then his aunt rolls in to make a "bear" of a point to kill me.
Then the nephews wanna piece of me, they "bear" arms against me, but "bear"-ly made a scratch.
"Well Yogi is gonna be pissed,"I told myself. Now I could enter the big scary cave and hunt down Yogi's mom. Or Hannibal Lecter's apprentice.
Going in a bit, there is a dead redcoat, and a pile of blood and bones. Call Julianne Moore, we found Dr. Lecter's hideout. I could "bear"-ly tell the difference.
So on order to lure the fucker out, the game told me to grab a pioneer's dead body at the entrance, and put it in the centre of said mess. Once done, I pussy out in a stack of trees nearby.
Seconds in, a giant brown bear slowly meanders it's way in. This thing was BIG. As it ate at the body, I jump out in an attempt to be badass and assassinate it.
First mistake.
It wasn't happy with my attempt to "bear" an assassination, and decided it would rather eat me instead. What followed was a quick-time event (QTE) in order to slain it, if it didn't break from the QTE and run circles around me.
I figured it was trying to get it's "bear"-ings.
After five minutes doing the Dosi-doe, I finally plant a hidden blade in the bastards face and end it's reign of evil-ness. Dr. Lecter is gonna be pissed.
I took the honor of skinning the bugger and mounting it's head on my wall.
Don't look at me like that! It's a "bear" necessity!
So now I am the Master of killing wolves, bobcats, rabbit,s elk, and bears. Even man-eating ones. Someone won't be stealing those a-pick-a-nick baskets for much longer...
I can "bear"-ly wait.
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