This time, I'm breaking this post up into the missions I did yesterday. So it doesn't get all crumpled up. Needless to say shit died and I break the world's longest running question:
Does Sasquatch exist?
Finding The Mystery Creature
-This first mission is from a frontiersman; Random people who look like Grizzly Adams rip-offs. He was talking about how people's shit keeps getting stolen, and the tracks it makes are unusual.
Fuck me silly I'm going "Big Foot" hunting.
The search zone was, again, on the other side of the map. But this time I could fast travel to the place without taking a nature walk!
*Puts on deep serious voice*: I arrive at the scene. I search the area, and discover unusual footprints leading into a nearby waterfall. I approach it, only to discover another cave.
I have expect a man-eating bear to come out to try and "bear" me a new asshole. I ready my flintlock pistol. Entering the cave, there is a bed, a table and some nice wooden chairs.
A man startles me, as he stares me down with his big brown eyes. His beard could hold an eagle's nest in it, while his clothes draped over his large, saggy body.
Some people are just...A bear of their own.
*Talks normally now*: "Sasquatch", as they call him, is just a big old guy with a Irish, or Scottish accent. Turns out he has a bad habit of stealing peoples shit, which he admits to.
"I'm not much of a people's person," he tells me. He offers to pay me coin to keep his cave, er, "home" and himself a secret.
I forgot to warn him there is this team of crazy-yet-entertaining people who travel the world looking for his existence. Forget the shows name, but I'm sure they'll find our Scottish/Irish friend yet.
On the plus side at least I didn't post a fucking fuzzy picture of a bear walking on two legs. Speaking of bears...
Three Bears and an Assassin
-On my way to another objective, I ran into a bloody black bear taking a piss by a tree. He makes a nice fur coat now.
He wasn't the problem, it was the pissed off bears nearby that was the problem. They were guarding a cub, and saw me as a threat to said baby. Or they caught wind of the massacre that happened and Yogi bear gave strict orders to kill me on sight.
I kinda felt bad killing them, seeing as the baby now fends for itself. It felt like the movie "Hatchet." The dude in the movie kills a big pissed off momma bear and sees her two cubs are, basically screwed.
If it makes anyone feel better I didn't skin them. And I threw down some food for the little one.
See? I'm not not that heartless! I'm "bear"-ly cynical!
Attack of the Man-eating Wolf. Again.
-This mission was taken upon two days ago, I just never got to it until yesterday. Some frontiersman was bitching about losing all of his furs and food to a wolf. But him and his buddy was able to peg it, if not feeling like they were being hunted.
Being the "CSI" detective I am, I took the liberty to hunt down this son-of-a-bitch and hang it's head next to the 4,399 other wolves I've fucking killed!
Arriving at the camp site, there are two dead colonials. One with his throat crushed in, and the other with his chest cavity bitten in.
"I swear to God, if I see Anthony Hopkins come out of the woodwork, I will just throw down my arms and say "Fuck it, you win."
After investigating one body (and looting the other of 15 euros), the culprit wolf snakes in from behind; jumping from a good seven feet while phasing through a tree and a tent.
Bastard "Teleporting Man-eating Wolf" strike again. And, once again, auto-jumps on my back and gnaws at my neck. This time I throw the bugger down and give it the honor of a blade in it's throat.
Dr. Lecter must miss the training where his students should not die horribly to a badass.
 |
| Suck it, old man! |
So in the game there are these Templar-controlled forts. Why? The game never tells you. But once liberated, they become fast travel locations. I'll slaughter a bunch of redcoats for that! Hell I'll do it for a Kit-Kat!
One said fort is located deep within a wooded area. And the best way in is through the bloody trees. Well I didn't know this until after an hour.
While figuring out this difficult puzzle, I ran into a cavalry man whose horse was trying to phase through solid earth like the wolves.
Unfortunately horses do not have this technology yet, and it was rejected. I took the liberty of ending his drivers life before he figured out what the fuck was going on.
Now in order to liberate a fort, you need to blow up the powder keg and kill the fort's commander. Well this fort's commander figured he go for a nature walk when there was cougars and bobcats three feet in front of him.
That was one thing that needed to die, now time to slaughter everyone else camping up in my hut.
As mentioned, I took to the trees to get in, and landed right next to the powder keg...
And seven pissed-off redcoats.
I punched the shit outta them and continued my killing spree throughout the forest. I took all the pain the game's campaign put me through and took it out on the inhabitants. Trust me, I had a lot of "therapy" to discuss with the redcoats.
After a solid hour, and looting just about a sea of bodies, I was able to blow up the powder keg in fucking peace and lower the flag. Once this is done, a cutscene runs showing patriots kicking out redcoat troops.
"Uh, excuse me!" I started, "After *I'm* done, there isn't even a fucking rat in these places. So how come there is 12 redcoats marching out the fort!?"
In rebuttal I killed two patriot doormen and a couple of other dudes. They looked at me funny and one pushed me off a ledge.
Then I ran into the forest again, hiding in the trees like the predator. Awaiting a new mission proably dealing with more fucking bears, wolves, and God knows what else is camping in the forest.
Suddenly I want to go camping.
Photo of "CSI: Miami" meme from memegenerator.net
Photo of Hannibal Lecter from "The Silence of the Lambs" from Fanpop.com
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