CAI: Crime Assassin Investigation

Yep. I patented that.

So this is more Frontiersman missions from Assassins Creed Three. As before, I will break them up into sections. This time we are dealing with straight-up folklore.

The Case of The Thing from The Ocean

-So while in Boston I stopped by a tavern to get a little happy hour in for shits and giggles. A frontiersman was talking about some sea monster larger than any sea-going vessel.

He describes it with many tentacles, green, and tipping over boats for fun. Then it disappears into the depths.

Holy shit, we're going to hunt the Kraken!

In order to tell if this shit is real, the game tells me to eavesdrop on some conversations to see if this is legit.

Me I was ready to have some big-ass deep fried calamari rings!

One conversation had two dudes talking about an old man pulling "the beast" onto his boat. Turns out the old sailor is dead, and his grieving widow is camping at his grave. Walking up to the poor woman she tells me I'm the first to pay respects. She points me to his shop for clues.

At this point I am disappointed I won't be sailing the Seven Seas to hunt down the bitch. At least it's pre-caught, so I can ready a deep fryer and dig in.

Examining the shop, it turns out this so-called "sea monster," was a frigging bell with hoses attached to it.

"Where the fuck is my calamari?!" I asked myself. I trotted off back to the tavern ready to open up a can of whoop-ass on the frontiersman. Until he gave me another mission...

The Case of The Unidentified Flying Object

- Now the old-ass fucker talks about seeing flashing lights and flames coming above "Beacon Hill." Saying others had their necks back as far as possible, mouths wide open, seeing this thing floating in mid-air and them disappear.

Fuck me silly, we're hunting UFO's now. Someone call Erin Ryder, shit's gonna hit the fan in a few minutes.

The mentioned hill was halfway across fucking Boston, which means I had to hoof it through asshole guards and bitch-slap orphans as they annoyed me. I could've thrown some coin to keep 'em busy but I was too lazy.

Finally getting to Beacon Hill the crime scene was pretty much empty. A small outhouse and a cabin with four trees was all that stood. Something was sparkling in said tree though, which in the game means a clue.

It took me a solid 20 minutes to figure out how to get into said tree, seeing as my brain was in "dumb dumb" mode yesterday.

Once in the friggin' thing, turns out ths "U.F.O" was a Umbrella.

A. Fucking. Umbrella. A pink one at that!

Call off Erin Ryder from "Chasing UFOs," it's just another hoax.

Be lucky I don't have a fuzzy picture of some Frisbee floating in mid air. I have more class than that!

As I walked back to the tavern, I said screw it to fisticuffs, I'll just cut the fuckers tongue out and feed it to the dogs. Sadly he was nowhere to be seen.

Maybe I got lucky and he got abducted. They proably have a "special" anal probe, just his size. Speaking of which...

The Case of The Haunted Lighthouse

- This was one of the first missions I took on in my long quest of folklore debunking. Probably from the same hairy bastard that fucked with me in Boston, no doubt! This time in the Frontier.

He was talking about fishing for Lobster and Crabs by the cliff side, when he heard noises coming from the abandoned lighthouse behind him. Flames came up to up top as if it was working.

Call Zack Bagans and his band of misfits, we got fucking ghosts up in this bitch!

I stopped listening for a bit when he mentioned fucking Lobster and Crab. FUCK THE GHOSTS I WANT ME SOME CRAB LEGS AND LOBSTER TAIL WITH A SIDE OF MELTED BUTTER.

I don't think I ever jumped on a horse in the game until that point. I don't think I ever had a game character run as fast as I did at that point too. Seeing as the objective was at the very top right of the map.

When I arrived some folks were camping at the bottom and told me not to bother. You could tell they were scared out of their wits, the poor pussies.

Marching up the hill there was a small barn and three people standing there. Two of them were arguing the place was haunted and dared the other to sleep in the place. I was going to jump in and threaten them if they touched my seafood they be sleeping with them, but I let the pussies be.

There is this vision the game is known for, "Eagle Vision," which highlights objectives, friends, foes, etc. Well there was footprints being highlighted leaving the house itself.

"Well time to go up!" As I started my climb to the frigging sky.

As soon as you get up there, you find the culprit to the people's case of shitting-pants syndrome: A scarecrow.

Not just any scarecrow, but one carved from a fucking tree and draped with a blanket. SON OF A BITCH DISTRACTED ME FROM MY CRAB AND LOBSTER!!!!!!!

Call off the "Ghost Adventures" crew.

Even the seafood was a lie! All I found was a chest with 7500 euros! At this rate I should've killed the fucking frontiersman right there, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I took on another mission from a different dude The last for Frontier before I headed to Boston.

The Case of The Headless Horseman

- Saving the best for last.

After Investigating the lighthouse, a frontiersman mission popped up at the camp near the lighthouse, where the people were camping in fear. I didn't tell them it wasn't haunted. Fuck it, it will only get worse for people as time goes on.

This guy was telling me about the classic tale of the Headless Horseman. Which, personally, was the coolest mission to take on, if not for the shortest.

For those of you who never heard of it: There was a battle going on between American Patriots, and German mercenaries called "Hessians." One of these mercs had his head blown clean off by a random cannon ball shot.

From there, his spirit rides around on a black horse, using a jack-o-lantern pumpkin as a head, who he sometimes chucks at people.

The frontiersman was telling me he saw corpses with their heads cut right off and their bodies mangled.He tells me the horseman's doing is to replace the pumpkin with a regular humans head.

I can't blame him, if I had a pumpkin as a head, it would be impossible to ask out a girl to a date. The glowing eyes and mouth and the bloodied sword of a many victims is a real date killer.

This time my investigation took me to only halfway across the world instead of a 20 year trip. At the location, I swear the bridge I crossed and the path I took was straight outta the short story.

There were a total of three bodies, all heads intact. After investigating one, a cutscene starts up.

A man with a Pumpkin head; glowing green eyes and mouth, a black cape, dressed in Hessian gear, stood upon his black horse and stared me down. He made a bellowing deep laugh as his horse waned and rode off behind the hill he stood on.

"OK!" I said to myself, "THAT, is the creepiest thing in this game yet. I am not going to sleep well tonight!"

I WAS going to chase after him, but I decided my head was quite comfortable on my shoulders and I don't wanna know what he does when you decline offers from him.

He can do his headless-pumpkin-throwing-boo thing, and I'll do my run-like-a-scared-bitch thing.