Dead Space LP: I Need a Doctor...Or Ammo.

*STROBE LIGHT WARNING*

The first part is a bit low, but I fix that near the end. This is broken up into two sets. Enjoy my pain.

Speaking of pain: I have been in a bit of it, so apologies for the lateness.

Set One:

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Set Two

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Dead Space 3: Building Futuristic Gun Simulator

 So the Dead Space Three demo came out yesterday, and while I was going to go into the co-op and how it works, I decided to talk about the "gun creation" the game has.

So you can launch a sort of "fun room" where you are stuck in a little corridor with nothing but a work bench, and a button that launches monsters at ya.

Now the game claims you can make 1,000's of customized guns throughout the singleplayer (or co-op) campaign. They ain't kidding.

For a solid hour and a half, I screwed with different mods, parts, and just plain bad combinations just to test out the functions.

Do you wanna shotgun that shoots flame shells, while have a rocket launcher under barrel that blows shit to smithereens? Go ahead!

Ya wanna Tesla coil that shoots arcs of pain that ricochet off of people, while having a needle gun to inject things with poison? Yep, shout hypochondriac jokes at them in the process too!

How about a flamethrower that has bottomless ammo clip and a freeze gun under barrel to go Mr. Freeze?

Did someone say "Barbeque?" Or, "Freeze, bitch!"

My personal favorite was a shotgun with a grenade launcher under barrel. The shells had the ability to freeze targets for a short period of time while my grenade launcher did the dirty work with bouncy flaming balls of doom.

Basically a deadly game of "Hot Potato." Except I only win.

I will give Visceral Games this, they came up with a great feature for a long-running series. I am a little worried about the game though:

In order to get blueprints for better guns, you need to pay real money to access them via micro-transactions. Needless to say Conquer59 looked up some comments to this, and some people were "not amused," put it politely.

Thankfully you can find parts to these weapons (and the badass combos) throughout the game anyways.

If you hook up with someone in co-op, be sure to put down ground rules on what and how you get/create your death machines.

Lest you wanna meet my Mr. Shotty and Mr. Hot Potato of Death. They would be more than pleased to let you know how they feel about paying real money to "cheat" in a game.

In Space with "Dead Space": Video Let's Play

QUICK UPDATE: Part 1 & 2 is BORING. Part 3 is when shit really picks up in the fun. If you just wanna laugh. go straight to Part 3. If you are into the story and stuff, watch all in order.

Trust me, there was nothing I could do. It's a loooong intro. 

WARNING: This game has a habit of throwing strobe lights everywhere. If you are prone to seizures due to this, take caution watching the videos.

Any feedback would be great.

Enjoy my pain.

 Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Part 4:

Part 5:

Special Mail Delivery

As finally promised, this is just a couple of fake letters that were delivered in the game Assassins Creed Three. The mission is real, but the letters are made up. Because the game doesn't give any written ones to go off of. So here I am!

The letters are in the Boston area.

Letter to Dock Worker

After running halfway across Boston, I reach a busy dockyard packed with more seamen than a swanky hotel. This dude was standing by what I would think is his ship.He wore a big red beret and blue striped t-shirt. Which made it THAT much easier to point his ass out. Which leads me to his letter:

Dear John Johnson Johnny Gerdshaw 2nd,

It has come to my attention your wife is living within our lands of the Frontier.

We know of this because of your "attempt" to raise smoke signals to communicate with your wife.

We know of her, and she is a kind woman who speaks highly of you, however these messages are making a mess of our own people's signals to other tribes.

The other tribes are voicing their distaste for the messages you consistently send off to court your wife.

If I see one more signal, and I quote,

"Baby, I will hump you like two bears fresh out of hibernation,"

Or,

"Oh, sweetie, you have an ass that could make a bobcat stop in it's tracks and go 'dayum,'"

I will be forced to find you in Boston, with two of my best hunters, and remove your "Johnson junior" as punishment for screwing with my people.

While your at it, bring some more beaver pelts, we're running low on things to sale for unfair prices.

Best wishes,
Chief Rain in the Puss.

Well HE won't fuck with the Native American's way of communication ever again.

I hate to be the guy who sees those messages and have to tell the tribal chief. 

Letter to Farmer

The next letter was to a farmer in the eastern rural part of Boston. This dude was sitting on his front porch chilling. He had no idea what he was about to read:

To Mr. Vin Niesel,

I am ashamed of writing this, but someone has to warn you.

I was out at night taking a stroll through the market, when I saw your wife walking with another man.

I knew it wasn't you, sir, as this gentlemen was very tall, well built and had no hair. He claimed he was "hard to kill."

I followed them and caught them kissing under the "Tipsy Turvy" tavern sign. Five minutes later they went in and never came out.

I'm sure he was just saving her from any of the Jager mercenaries walking around. You know how crazy those Germans are, but I figured I tell you.

A dear friend.

I never saw someone run so fast before. And 10 to one he wasn't going to get "Tipsy Turvy" at the tavern. 

How did people handle divorce back in the 1800's? Any better than King Louis the 14th?

Letter to Market Salesman

The last letter had me running to a soldier near a liberated fort. He was parked just outside chillin' with a couple of dudes by a fire. I figured it was for a transfer or something:

To Johnny Hepp,

Congratulations in joining the ranks of the Patriots, soldier!

On behalf of General Washington, we hope you will live up your duties of being a captain of your division.

Seeing as you were a captain of a large ship, we feel you will handle your land legs just fine.

We have to ask you keep your "slaying the ladies" business for off-duty hours only. 

We were approached by some of the courtesans, with claims their sister's, friend's, mother's had relations with you and never saw you again.

I advise you no need worry about any straggling redcoats, but worry more about vengeful lasses "patrolling" parts of Boston.

May I recommend a transfer to one of our forts in the Frontier? A man desssed as Captain Kidd keeps watch over the area. Though he sometimes snaps and "asks" everyone in no particular fort to leave for a bit.

Personally I rather be there and deal with the cougars. Better than the other kind of cougars roaming our streets looking for answers form you, sir.

Regards,
Royal offices of the United States.

P.s. We will accept any and all rum supplies you have/had as means of compensation for any damages done by your "lovers."

Remind me if I ever run into some scoundrel-looking dude to run in the opposite fucking direction. I hate to be caught in the middle of a bitch fight between a past "captain" and his many lovers.

Or any kind of shennanigains he has to offer. I won't skip on an offer of rum though.

Think I'll just avoid the Caribbean altogether too. Just in case.  

The two names, Johnny Hepp and Vin Niesel are both parody names off of famous stars. If you can guess who they are, you will get a cookie. 

Update for Future Post

Here's the post. Enjoy!

So there are these "Courier" missions in Assassins Creed Three, in which you deliver letters to random people.

Now, having said this, I have a special post coming dealing with this "mission." The letters you give have no meaning: It could be divorce papers for all I know.

So I have decided to make it interesting. I will be putting in my own words in what I think could be in those letters.

I have no frigging clue where I'm going with this, but hopefully you enjoy enjoy what creative comedy I spill out.

I will update this post tomorrow with more details.

I did say I wanted to write more. And here I am, eh?

Have a good one people!

Edit One: Alright so the "Courier" messages are going to be satirical letters to people that needed the letters. There were at least nine or so individuals, all at diffrent locations that resemble them. I.e. Dock worker, farmer, etc.

I don't know when the first post will hit, I am being hit with a nasty case of pain and sickness. Ah, how I love life...

Cheats: Good for Therapy

More Assassins Creed Three...Stop rolling your eyes this will be it for AC3 for a bit. Maybe, kinda, proably not.

So once you defeat the game there are these "data hacks" strewn around the game's two town's of Boston and New York.

These "hacks" allow you to basically cheat. However the game does not save your progress and achievements are disabled. 

Thankfully, you can turn them on and off at will. I will go through them quickly for the sake of your sanity. I do not remember the names off by heart but I remember the affects:

- Change the time of day to permanently day or night
- Take no damage from any attacks
- Be able to call upon recruits at any time
- Shoot weapons and reload without the need of the animation, (in other words turn a flintlock pistol into a semi-automatic handgun.)
- Able to assassinate any enemy at any given point, (during or out of combat.)

I did not know of these until last night, thanks to Conquer59, our resident troll.

So I said "Fuck it, let's make it snow and dark 24/7." After putting on the listed cheats, I laughed hysterically knowing what to do next:

Ask a local liberated fort if they could try out my new semi-automatic flintlock pistol.

Pretty much all the inhabitants went down in a blaze of "Scarface" quotes and evil laughter from yours truly.

Even the animals felt my wrath. A couple of rabbits plus a deer or two got in my way and looked at me funny. I told them they would fill the stomachs of the pack of wolves just down the hill tonight.

Then I blasted the wolves because I have had it with these mutherfucking wolves in this mutherfucking game!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I took my unkillable ass to New York, where I had some serious therapy issues to discuss with the Patriots there.

See, New York in the game is kind of a shithole: one area lives in luxury, the other lives in poverty, burnt-down homes and small pox. So modern New York today!

So I march into NY. The guards at the front door look at me. One of them cusses me out under his breath, another gives me the evil eye. I give them the honor of medal in their ugly-ass faces.

Then some fat-ass Grenadiers came marching one by one, I took the liberty of whooping their asses and throwing their bodies in the nearby lake. Turns out they can't swim for shit.

For a solid hour I marched across NY just whooping people's asses. And laughing hysterically.

After slaughtering half the town I ran into General George Washington, who was oblivious to my killing spree wiping out half of his general force.

Turns out he wanted to play a game of sorts. Probably a "Game of Thrones."

I politely declined and continued to kill two German mercenaries right next to him. Again, he didn't bat an eyelash. Smart man.

Near the end of my spree I decided to start a riot for shits and giggles, just to fuck with a patrol barreling down at me. In the wake of trying to kill them, I accidentally killed some civilians. I say "accidentally," but one dude looked at me funny, and another guy insulted my outfit. They had it coming.

If you "by accident" kill civilians, or not skin any of the animals you kill, the game basically kills you off and shoves you back somewhere. Usually with full ammo and health.

This isn't bad unless your doing missions, then it gets REAL annoying fast.

So I said fuck it and went to watch the Golden Globes. Because every great assassin needs a break. And what better than to watch people get snubbed, win big, and pet overly-large-ass egos for three hours.

Maybe we'll get lucky and Hollywood will be a future destination in "Assassins Creed Four."

CAI: Crime Assassin Investigation

Yep. I patented that.

So this is more Frontiersman missions from Assassins Creed Three. As before, I will break them up into sections. This time we are dealing with straight-up folklore.

The Case of The Thing from The Ocean

-So while in Boston I stopped by a tavern to get a little happy hour in for shits and giggles. A frontiersman was talking about some sea monster larger than any sea-going vessel.

He describes it with many tentacles, green, and tipping over boats for fun. Then it disappears into the depths.

Holy shit, we're going to hunt the Kraken!

In order to tell if this shit is real, the game tells me to eavesdrop on some conversations to see if this is legit.

Me I was ready to have some big-ass deep fried calamari rings!

One conversation had two dudes talking about an old man pulling "the beast" onto his boat. Turns out the old sailor is dead, and his grieving widow is camping at his grave. Walking up to the poor woman she tells me I'm the first to pay respects. She points me to his shop for clues.

At this point I am disappointed I won't be sailing the Seven Seas to hunt down the bitch. At least it's pre-caught, so I can ready a deep fryer and dig in.

Examining the shop, it turns out this so-called "sea monster," was a frigging bell with hoses attached to it.

"Where the fuck is my calamari?!" I asked myself. I trotted off back to the tavern ready to open up a can of whoop-ass on the frontiersman. Until he gave me another mission...

The Case of The Unidentified Flying Object

- Now the old-ass fucker talks about seeing flashing lights and flames coming above "Beacon Hill." Saying others had their necks back as far as possible, mouths wide open, seeing this thing floating in mid-air and them disappear.

Fuck me silly, we're hunting UFO's now. Someone call Erin Ryder, shit's gonna hit the fan in a few minutes.

The mentioned hill was halfway across fucking Boston, which means I had to hoof it through asshole guards and bitch-slap orphans as they annoyed me. I could've thrown some coin to keep 'em busy but I was too lazy.

Finally getting to Beacon Hill the crime scene was pretty much empty. A small outhouse and a cabin with four trees was all that stood. Something was sparkling in said tree though, which in the game means a clue.

It took me a solid 20 minutes to figure out how to get into said tree, seeing as my brain was in "dumb dumb" mode yesterday.

Once in the friggin' thing, turns out ths "U.F.O" was a Umbrella.

A. Fucking. Umbrella. A pink one at that!

Call off Erin Ryder from "Chasing UFOs," it's just another hoax.

Be lucky I don't have a fuzzy picture of some Frisbee floating in mid air. I have more class than that!

As I walked back to the tavern, I said screw it to fisticuffs, I'll just cut the fuckers tongue out and feed it to the dogs. Sadly he was nowhere to be seen.

Maybe I got lucky and he got abducted. They proably have a "special" anal probe, just his size. Speaking of which...

The Case of The Haunted Lighthouse

- This was one of the first missions I took on in my long quest of folklore debunking. Probably from the same hairy bastard that fucked with me in Boston, no doubt! This time in the Frontier.

He was talking about fishing for Lobster and Crabs by the cliff side, when he heard noises coming from the abandoned lighthouse behind him. Flames came up to up top as if it was working.

Call Zack Bagans and his band of misfits, we got fucking ghosts up in this bitch!

I stopped listening for a bit when he mentioned fucking Lobster and Crab. FUCK THE GHOSTS I WANT ME SOME CRAB LEGS AND LOBSTER TAIL WITH A SIDE OF MELTED BUTTER.

I don't think I ever jumped on a horse in the game until that point. I don't think I ever had a game character run as fast as I did at that point too. Seeing as the objective was at the very top right of the map.

When I arrived some folks were camping at the bottom and told me not to bother. You could tell they were scared out of their wits, the poor pussies.

Marching up the hill there was a small barn and three people standing there. Two of them were arguing the place was haunted and dared the other to sleep in the place. I was going to jump in and threaten them if they touched my seafood they be sleeping with them, but I let the pussies be.

There is this vision the game is known for, "Eagle Vision," which highlights objectives, friends, foes, etc. Well there was footprints being highlighted leaving the house itself.

"Well time to go up!" As I started my climb to the frigging sky.

As soon as you get up there, you find the culprit to the people's case of shitting-pants syndrome: A scarecrow.

Not just any scarecrow, but one carved from a fucking tree and draped with a blanket. SON OF A BITCH DISTRACTED ME FROM MY CRAB AND LOBSTER!!!!!!!

Call off the "Ghost Adventures" crew.

Even the seafood was a lie! All I found was a chest with 7500 euros! At this rate I should've killed the fucking frontiersman right there, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I took on another mission from a different dude The last for Frontier before I headed to Boston.

The Case of The Headless Horseman

- Saving the best for last.

After Investigating the lighthouse, a frontiersman mission popped up at the camp near the lighthouse, where the people were camping in fear. I didn't tell them it wasn't haunted. Fuck it, it will only get worse for people as time goes on.

This guy was telling me about the classic tale of the Headless Horseman. Which, personally, was the coolest mission to take on, if not for the shortest.

For those of you who never heard of it: There was a battle going on between American Patriots, and German mercenaries called "Hessians." One of these mercs had his head blown clean off by a random cannon ball shot.

From there, his spirit rides around on a black horse, using a jack-o-lantern pumpkin as a head, who he sometimes chucks at people.

The frontiersman was telling me he saw corpses with their heads cut right off and their bodies mangled.He tells me the horseman's doing is to replace the pumpkin with a regular humans head.

I can't blame him, if I had a pumpkin as a head, it would be impossible to ask out a girl to a date. The glowing eyes and mouth and the bloodied sword of a many victims is a real date killer.

This time my investigation took me to only halfway across the world instead of a 20 year trip. At the location, I swear the bridge I crossed and the path I took was straight outta the short story.

There were a total of three bodies, all heads intact. After investigating one, a cutscene starts up.

A man with a Pumpkin head; glowing green eyes and mouth, a black cape, dressed in Hessian gear, stood upon his black horse and stared me down. He made a bellowing deep laugh as his horse waned and rode off behind the hill he stood on.

"OK!" I said to myself, "THAT, is the creepiest thing in this game yet. I am not going to sleep well tonight!"

I WAS going to chase after him, but I decided my head was quite comfortable on my shoulders and I don't wanna know what he does when you decline offers from him.

He can do his headless-pumpkin-throwing-boo thing, and I'll do my run-like-a-scared-bitch thing.