Dark Souls Ep. 1: Getting aquainted with the locals

Previous post here.

UPDATE: Screw the "Only Friday" idea. Schedule is now Tuesday's and Thursday's. I'm a dumbass.

 When we last left off, a giant fucking crow came in and took us away, man!

But it turns out crows are a bigger version of a taxi. Except she doesn't overcharge you and take you on detours.

This place has seen better days.

Soon as you land you see a gentlemen just sitting' there in chain mail armor. He's only known as the "Crest-fallen' warrior."

Doesn't help the fact he's a total douchebag though.

Bet you said that line quite a bit, eh?

He directs you on your basic goal for the first half of the game: Ring the two Undead Bells of Awakening. What this does, is beyond the character for now.

But were not going to do that yet. We are going to get some things. Because this shield sucks and the mace is meh-ish at best.

So we head down to a place called "New Londo Ruins." A Undead family fun park, bring the kids. Unfortunately it's so dark down there my camera had a honest-to-God fit over taking them.

But since there's really nothing there for us yet, we'll skip to "The Valley of Drakes."

Told ya.

Another great family vacation spot. Really it's small as hell. It acts as a shortcut to two different locations but it's REALLY not recommended. I will show you why:

What's with the giant-ass decayed tree sittin' there?

Holy tit-wagons.

Yep. It's a dead dragon. And it's guarding those sparkling items: A sword (want), a big consumable soul (gimme), and a shield with great fire resistance (NOM). UNFORTUNATELY big boy here wakes up after getting the shield.

Ever try to take a picture of a poison-breathing-dead dragon? No? Try it sometime. It ain't fun. Somehow I managed to dodge his initial claw bitch-slap maneuver, (which would insta-kill me) insult his mother and move the fuck along. I won't be back here for awhile...

On my way back I took some aggression out on some poor denizen of New Londo. In my style of course.

"This...Is...DARK SOULS!!!!"

Back upstairs we can head up to another douchebag of sorts:

I still don't know what the coin is for.

Really, he is just waiting for his compadres to go grave-robbing. No kidding. He offers you to join his covenant in exchange he teaches miracles (spells that are for religious people).

Since I already joined before I even started, might as well say "yes." We'll be nice to him. Seeing as he doesn't drop anything useful when you kill him. Not that *I* would know...

So now we can move on from the safety of Firelink into Undead Parish. A starting area with some nasty hollowed soldiers who have nothing better to do than cut you, stab you, and throw fireballs at you. And this is the "easy" area.

Imminent ganking? Nah.

Once you whoop those three + an axe-wielding ass, (who flew off the edge of me) we can move into that long tunnel to our destination.

Now as mentioned before people can leave you messages if you have multiplayer. If not it doesn't matter but it's interesting to see the messages people leave. For example:

"Praise the sun?" Really? Must be slang for something. Like "Ass rape ahead." I said they were interesting, not always helpful.

Travel through the roofs of the parish and eventually you hit a bonfire. From here we can scoot on down to some houses with more pink people waiting in ambush. Well it would be an ambush if ya couldn't see them...

Fail Ninjas: They try so hard.

Send them back to Ninja School, (Goddam Ninjas!) and we come across another glowy dead sucker. Gee, what do you have sir? An epic weapon? An awesome spell? The end to the hockey lockout?!?!

You're fucking kidding me.

Nope. It ain't kidding you.

"Who in their right mind would bother carrying this around? Perhaps you need help."

WELL GAME, until I get the "Bottomless box," I'm kinda fucked ain't I?????

That and I and crazy in real life anyways. I'm writing a blog; that's good enough.

Speaking of the bottomless box: It basically holds anything you don't want/need on your person. Due to weight constrictions of how much your character can hold.

We'll get it later. Nobody drops anything useful around here. Unless I was a Depraved, I be scrounging shit for days.

After walking across a bridge while being firebombed, (literally) we can pick up some useful material we can use against the first boss:

Gold Pine Resin: When beating things to a pulp isn't enough.

This can be put on a right-hand weapon for added damage. I found out it doesn't work with holy weapons. Oops.

Allow me to show you a hallway to a big ass knight asshole known as "The Black Knight." Such a creative name!

"WAZZAAAAAAAP!"

Wrong place. That was an asshat who thought he'd be cool.

That and I can't find the picture in my files...Never mind here it is:

Caution: An asshole lives down there.

And here is a door leading to another big guy known as "Havel the Rock."

When you see him, you'll wonder why he didn't just bash in the door.

Both these characters will be explained later. I am waaaaaaaaay to low level to whoop either one of them.

Before we get to the first boss, let's beat up a defenseless crystal lizard that has the ability to be so bright it destroys my cameras auto-focus. Fuckin piece-of-shit lizard. If you kill him, he drops some nice upgrade stones known as "titanite."

Something good for my trouble.

Now we can move on with our lives.

Not.

That, is a Tarus Demon. The first boss and a common enemy later. As in there-will-be-more-than-one common enemy...

You can't see it, but this wall is narrow enough you can either trick fat-ass to fall of, or like me, get kicked off yourself. Thankfully our shield is strong enough to block his attacks. Right after we show him what we did to Peter the Green Demon.

Migraine incoming...

Once he's dead, we can move on to a very large bridge with char marks and hollow soldiers blocking your path.

Nothing bad could ever happen here. To me.

I stand corrected.

Touch the first char mark on the bridge and a dragon sweeps into "clean the slate." This can insta-kill you sometimes. Other times he almost drops your health to nothing. Someone has anger issues.

Thanks for the free souls! Now could you perch somewhere else?

If you wait a bit he will come down and try to cook your ass again. However this is the opportunity needed to run to the bonfire located under him. Via that doorway waaaay down there...

Once in the safety zone he pisses off to troll someone else. Now we can run to the Undead Church after dodging a demon pig and his goonies. Sadly the bacon got itself killed after sitting in a fire pit. So I wasn't able to snap the damn thing. Know it is HEAVILY armored no matter what weapon you use on him.

It's weakness however is it's open ass crack. Again, it sat in a pit of fire and died. Suicidal bacon, eh? Least I won't go hungry.

Anyways when entering the church we find a new enemy: The Baulder knight. Or "Baller" knight.

Also known as: Bitch knights.

Their fast, and athletic. But a good back stab sends them flying on their ass. Their not the problem though. THIS guy, is the problem:

Well he *was* a problem. He, in question is Black Knight Tarcus I believe. He hits harder than a truck, and is pretty thick skinned. Usually you'll get his armor, but he dropped shit for me.

Here's the second problem:

What the fuck are you?

That, is a sorcerer. He shoots at you and buffs enemy AI's attack damage. That, and he's got 15 pinkys behind him. So yeah, sunshine and lollipops then?

Thankfully when he dies, he ain't coming back. He and Giant-ass truck-hitting knight boy are rare enemies that never respawn. So it's best to whoop them back to their mommas before resting at a bonfire.

And we will stop here! Next time, we will face the next boss and hopefully ring the first bell!

As far as updates go, I will post every Friday Tuesday and Thursday from here on in. Wave by Chantelle.

"Peace!"

Yeah I promise to have a change of clothes and make her look a little more "alive" next time. Have a good weekend everyone!