This is why Conquer can't have nice things

 My buddy Conquer was telling me and Bizkit a story of his latest conquest. Before he went on I asked him to send me a message of this "story." "I don't think I'm allowed into that town anymore," he said. All messages in brackets are my personal thoughts I said in my head while reading said messages.

This his message:

"So I was in the capital getting materials. I walked into the companions guild were I was welcomed. I picked pocketed some of my fellow members arrows, but 'oh no' they caught me, so I ran out the door into the night where a guard confronted me. I killed him.

Then I killed another guard, then I hopped the fence and killed the cow, (What a waste of good beef!) then I ran into the city. I saw some women, who kept complaining about not being married. I punched her in the face which to my surprise killed her, (No really?!) I dragged her body into the gutter and took her items and undressed her (Jack The Ripper called, he saids "you suck").

Then I rain into a old lady who I think her kids died in a quest I did. Not my fault, (bullshit) but she wouldn't shut up about it, so I slapped her in the face a few times than ran into the shopkeepers house to assault him and steal his apples (an apple a day keeps the guards at bay).

After a few minutes of assaulting him, I ran, then I left the house. I was being chased for pickpocketing but I digress (really? Just for pickpocketing?). I assaulted the old lady from before again, (the one who bitched about her dead sons because of you, no doubt?) and ran into the inn. I punched a guy with a huge hammer and steel armor. (Like a boss.)

Then the inn keeper then the bard and then the cook. I fled up some stairs, then I dragon shouted some people on the stairs (nothing better to do, eh?). The shop keep didn't survive, so I gave up and paid 5000 gold (pocket change). Once I was out, I dragon shouted another guy; To my surprise had zero health (ya don't say...).

I killed him, and got arrested (again). Once I was out again I ran inside the Jarl's castle. I cast rage on two maids who pulled knives and started attacking me, (wonder why they did that?) they didn't see me cast the first time but did the second time.

So when he (the pissed off Jarl) came to talk to me, he finished her off while talking to me and I only had to pay 40 gold.  After I payed, I went home."

Conquer: Casting rage and whoopin' people's asses since 2012

And your telling me he's married in-game, and has adopted children? May God help us all...