So me and Conquer played some more Battlefield Three last night, and found ourselves, shall we say, "playing the heroes."
So after a five minute warm-up of Team Death Match, we decided to head into some random server with a clan called, I'm not joking, The Fail clan. They even had a blurb saying if ya wanna join, be aware that you may get booted from the clan out of nowhere if say someone higher ranked than you in BF3 joined the clan.
However, the server rule that was given, was if anyone who joined that server who was level 80 or higher, was immediately booted from the due to their rank. I wish I was kidding. Kinda good for me since I'm only friggin' level 28.
Basically don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Now I ain't no pro player or anything in any phrase of the word, but there was something "off" about the game. Like nobody seemed to be trying. For lack of a better word, our team, (US) was kinda crap. Same goes for the other side (Russians).
Conquer apparently went and got a license to drive an amphibious armored personnel carrier, (APC) seeing he wasn't about to lose to some first-class noobs and nutjobs. Can't say I blame him.
He did take the helm of a little bird helicopter a couple times, but apparently he missed fight school: At one point were kissing the ground with a really pissed-off tank right next to us, and another time we got butt-fucked by a couple of dudes with AA.
Couldn't tell you what they were thinking. Well the tank driver was proably wondering why a helicopter was doing doughnuts right in front of him. I was questioning the laws of physics behind said helicopter doing doughnuts...
Anyways Conquer and I went with the APC for most of the game. Conquer drove, I manned the .50 cal machine gun. I felt like a boss as I would head shot some random AT dude thinking he hide behind a thin piece of sheet metal. Seeing his body do a backflip confirmed his free ticket to hell.
At one point Conquer thought he could drive over a concrete barrier, thinking it wouldn't be much of a hassle. He was wrong.
For a minute I thought we were screwed. Some guy came over but got sniped, which led me to pull C4 out of my ass and just blow the barrier to bits. The sniper seemed to be taking a coffee break or something; we were pretty much standing there with our thumbs up our asses with a sign that said "Shoot me!".
Again, gift horse. Two gift horses because my stint worked. Barrier gone, we hop in, and kept on rollin. Why the C4 didn't blow a hole in the front of the APC is beyond me, but I never said BF3 was realistic.
Well we were rollin until this tank decided to pick on us, and SOLELY us. Of all the other vehicles that drove around him, WE were the biggest threat to him? The driver must've been having a baaaad day. It would explain the trolling after Conquer shoved TOW rockets up said tank drivers ass quite a bit. I can only assume he was kinda sore with us. And his tail pipe.
Probably not as sore as the choppers I shot down. At one point this amateur pilot, (he missed flight school altogether by the looks of it) decided to get up close to us, proably to sell us girl scout cookies or something. Since my momma raised no fool, I open up on the cockpit of the fucker, and all of a sudden it drops faster than a hooker in Church.
Me:1
Helicopter: 0
Fast forward, proably the same dude decided to head over to our spawn and troll us. Three guys: two AA, one support were shooting at him. I got the "vehicle disabled" AND "vehicle killed" along with the enemy killed. I'm sure the sharks enjoyed what was left of the body when it hit the water.
Me: 2
Helicopter: 0
Sharks: 1
A third time, same fucking choppa, same fucking .50 cal machine gun. I felt kinda bad for shooting at him too. he proably was a student learning the ropes of flying a Hind D. He picked a really bad place and time to be taking flight school. I would've asked for my money back.
Me: 3
Helicopter: 0
Sharks: 1
Flight school: -$20,000
Look on the pilots face when he dies for the third time in a row: Fucking priceless.
When all was said and done, both me and Conquer totaled 18,000+ points in score. Not one person on either team even came close. As Conquer put it, "We carried this team."
Moral of the story: Never judge a server by it's description. You never know how much fun you'll have. That, and if anybody needs a professional APC driver, call Conquer.
But if anybody needs a professional .50 caliber machine gunner, who can shoot down helicopters, snipe people in the head and make them do things the laws of physics don't allow, give me a shout. I can be very affordable.
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