No rest for the wicked: Living or dead

 After endless distractions and being sick, I shall finally chronicle my haphazard play-through of DOOM Two.

WARNING: LONG POST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

The following events that took place between Sunday, September ninth, and Thursday the 13.

Doom Two is a hell of a lot of fun. Pun intended. I decided to wait for Bizkit to co-op it with me, seeing as he's been playing this game since he was a wee little laddie. 

Unlike the first DOOM, I actually got to kill shit from the start! I felt so useful capping bullets into those zombie, imps, and pinky demons asses. Hell, I didn't even die within the first two seconds all the time! Proud of myself, I was.

But then, we got to the level my friend called, "The Death Room."

"What is 'The Death Room?'" I asked innocently.

Upon a wall coming down, I received my answer in the form of (ballparking it) five mancubus; one of which "greeted" me with a rocket to my face.

"Oh, so THAT'S why you call it "The Death Room!"

Deaths so far: one

Soon after that, a new threat trotted it's way into our Thunderdome. If you played the first game, you will remember the "Mastermind": Big brain with robotic legs. Well, he decided he wanted to have children. And arm them with plasma guns.

Needless to say I got "acquainted" with the little bastards quite nicely. By introducing them to their new pacifier: My spiked knuckled fist of fucking fury. Apparently they weren't buying it.

Deaths so far: five

Moving onto another level now. I get smart and pull out my Ipod Touch and attempt to grab pics of in-game shenanigans. So excuse the shitty quality of the following pictures.

So we spawn in a room with nothing but doors all around us. Some locked, some easily opened by asking nicely. Little did I know the pain and torment that would besiege me...

"Ok," Bizkit starts me out, "This is called 'No-no room #1.'" What the fuck's behind that door that could be considered a "No-no" room? See for yourself!

Oh fuck my life...

Yep, a room full of Baron of Hell's. Oh, it gets worse! You can't see what their all looking at!

I take that back: Fuck THEIR lives.

Yep, a Cyber Demon. Now a common enemy of DOOM Two. After about five seconds the poor Khaki-wearing demons were turned to a pile of ketchup sauce. I decided to go toe-to-toe with this behemoth (bad decision #1) and lose horribly. Bizkit comes in with a BFG, and makes the demon his bitch. Typical.

Deaths so far: six.

The next room, "No-no #2" doesn't fair any better! We walk in, and there seems to be a gathering of imps all just chillin' in this pit.

I hate to have them all fart at once...

Feeling bold, (bad mistake #2) I hop on down and start blasting away with my shotgun. When I re-spawned, (what you think I was gonna kick their asses?) I started seeing the bloody things teleport before my damn eyes! "They can teleport up to us now," my friend calmly tells me. GEE REALLY? YA DON'T SAY SHERLOCK!

Deaths so far: 12

"This is 'No-no' room #3. Go ahead and go get the pick-up at the end of the hall," as my friend opens another door, showing me a beige, empty, mutant-free hall.

Why the fuck did I listen to him?

At the end was a chainsaw. Seeing as I had no weapons, this was to be my "Boomstick" for a bit. When I say "a bit" I mean not even three seconds because two baron's came out of the fucking walls and raped me!

Get off my body, you prick!

Bizkit, being the badass, killed both without even breaking a fucking sweat.

Deaths so far: 14 (twice by both barons)

Bizkit: "This is 'No-no' room #-
Me: No! No! Stop right there! I have to ask you a question. Are all these rooms "No-no" rooms????
Bizkit: Yes.
Me: Ok moving on then.

At that point I should've put down the controller and walked away; Dignity intact.

After that we got to a level that had Bizkit's favorite enemy. The Arch-Ville.

And I thought Lost Souls were bad...

Picture kindly supplied by my friend Bizkit by the way.

"Ok," he starts, "This guy shoots pillars of flame your way and can one shot you. He can also revive his allies, even the bigger ones, like Hell Knights."

"How do we kill him?" I think were my last words. "Dunno, let's ask him," as my friend opens the door unleashing that monstrosity.

Never have I fought an enemy more terrifying than a Cyber Demon. At least it doesn't revive shit!

Politely kiss my ass

Again, photo supplied by Bizkit. 

The Arch-Ville must be a woman: Because it never gave up on insta-killing me, and bringing up old issues like the one mentioned in the photo there. FYI I took out the trash, you ass!

Deaths so far: proably 17, I lost count after dealing with that bitch.

Skipping to the end, (because that's enough embarrassment for one post) I am told the Final-final-final boss is beyond a teleport. I volunteered to go onto an elevator and shoot him in the brain with rockets. Hey, I wanted revenge!

While skull-fucking the big boss, (literally) he would endlessly spawn demos to kick my other two buddies asses (Conquer decided that it was more fun with us than dragon shouting more people in Skyrim).

After a large explosion, (and dying more times than I could count) the game was over.

The best part was the message at the end:

"After wiping the sweat off of your forehead, you start the long walk back to your hometown, wondering where all the bad people will go when they die?"

That is a million dollar question. I never want to hear an answer to it. For the sake of my sanity.