When food and creatures attack

 This is a continuation of the last Castle Crashers post, which you can read here.

So at one point in the game you come across a marsh level, and are greeted by a giant door that cannot be opened normally. That, and a petrified elf.

I'm sure that's not a horrible omen...

 If you brake him, he either drops loot or food. For this level, you pray for food because the enemies here hit like MAC trucks. But that's for later. So how do you open this door?

Well to do that you have to branch off into the village. No, not Stephen King's "The Village," they don't have some dude dressed as a creature and kill people from leaving their crappy-ass town. Instead they have a problem with skeletons and elves trolling them.

Hey! That villager is *NOT* a trampoline!

Both skeletons and elves can kick your ass if not careful. I almost died five friggin' times just trying to get pics of them. Course that didn't work out so well. Bloody iPod...

So once you whoop the ass of the dead and tree-humping hippies of the dark ages, you come across a annoying boss of sorts.

Holy corn on the cob, Batman!

I think I found the reason behind the corn shortage.

This guy doesn't hit hard, but those leaves can be folded up to protect against damage, and can bury underground and send you flying. He does this often to piss you off, and even at high level, he takes some serious punishment!

The plus side is as he takes damage he drops corn pieces to munch on for health. Near the end of his shelf life the dude erupts into a thousand kernels ready for some melted butter and a movie-goer.

You could say this boss was *puts sunglasses on*:

Really. Corny.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once you save the villagers from getting eaten by their own vegetables, (irony) one of the villagers offers you a gift for your courage and bravery.

Is it money? Power? Sigourney Weaver??????

Oh boy, a horn.

Are you shitting me? A horn?

Well that was a total, *puts sunglasses on*:

Blow out.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really this is the key to open the door to the swamp and boss. Why a door requires a giant blow horn to open, is beyond me.

So now we go to the swamps and temple. Innocent looking as it is, it's defenders for some reason haven't booked it out yet. Who are these defenders you ask? Have a look at this photo:

Holy shit, a fish with legs! And a bloody spear!

 Since when did sushi started to fight back? These dudes hit HARD: they blow bubbles to poison you, and can combo your ass until you pass out dead. And, they can take a shit load of damage.

Back on my dinner plate you walking Cod!

 Once they die they so nicely flop onto a near-by dinner plate just for you! Well you can't eat them for health unfortunately, would make up for the health I lost...

So once you fight through elves and walking halibuts you slowly start seeing more statues of paralyzed fuckers. As mentioned above, they drop food or gold; also mentioned, after fighting walking sushi, you kinda pray for food.

I got a bad feeling about this...

 Soon you start seeing shoe racks randomly in the background. And then it looks like nobody seems to be doing suicide runs on you. What? You all realized I'm too BAMF for you all?

Confessions of a shoe-aholic, anyone?

 Well it could be because there is a woman nearby. And they proably seen what she's like when that "time of the month" rolls along. I'd piss off too.

Hellooooooooooooooo Nurse!

Why is she green? Why does she only have one friggn' boot? Why does her ass look like an apple?

FUCK ME SILLY AND CALL ME "UNCLE BOURBON!"

Yes, the boss of this stage is friggn' Medusa. Hence, if you haven't guessed, turned some of her guardians into stone.

Nice lid.

Now she can be tough; menacing as she is but all she does is shoot poison balls, unleash a volley of crappy snakes as she takes damage, and turn you into a stone heart.

Oh kiss my stony hard ass!

She can take some punishment, and it's hard to get up close due to the number of slithering bitches that take up the area. Lightning doesn't seem to be very effective for some reason. Why? I don't know.

So after you whack her a couple times, she herself gets to know the feeling of being petrified.

You've been petrified. Have a nice day >:)

What's your reward for vanquishing snake-eyes? Nothing. Some XP but that's it. It's not like "God of War" where you can use the head as a weapon noooooooooooooooo.

Maybe next time I will just ask her if she wants me to give her a haircut or a "happy ending." How painful could a ******* be from a snake lady? The most painful/greatest experience/nightmare ever.

It looks like this chick, *puts sunglasses on*:

Is all stoned up.

I apologize to no one.

Song is "Won't get fooled again," by The Who. Video is CSI: Miami intro.