We start our epic journey within our little cell of damnation. But as seen in the first prologue, (I like saying that word...) a helpful knight sends us a key to get the fuck outta dodge.
Couldn't throw down a Big Mac with fries, eh?
Now with this game you will see these orange signs on the floor: These are messages either left by the developer From Software, (indicated by a knight as seen) or a human player (indicated by a "zombie" of sorts).
"Right Bumber to attack." Yeah it took some getting used to for me too.
On your right during your "Great Escape," we will glance at a big fat green bastard called, "Stray Demon."
The bane of my existence right there...
Under no circumstances will I be fighting him for a long time. You will see why later.
Once you mosey on past some undead nutcases, you come to what is known as the "checkpoint;" The Bonfire.
Come on baby light my fire.
Here, you can level up, gain health back, cure poison, send instant messages over Skype, and cure cancer. However, resting at these spawns all the asshats again except bosses.
So if you just killed a tough SOB, and rest at this, he may come back to show you his appreciation for resurrecting him.
After opening a large-ass door, the exit is just down a extremely small arena-like room. Nothing bad could EVER happen here...
Fuck everything and run.
That big bastard holds the key to your freedom. Seeing as all you have is a friggin' hilt of a straight sword, I don't recommend fighting him ya?
Run like a coward to a door far right and fat ass there can't hit ya. Now the game tells you to "get your shield!"
Told ya.
Notice the ass in the far right there. He has a longbow, and attempts to snipe your ass. However the starting Cleric shield is enough to block his arrows. Not bad for a wooden piece of cracked shit but meh...
Inventory doesn't pause the game. So open it in a SAFE area.
Shield equipped, it realizes it's life is pretty much fucked so instead of shooting arrows, it runs like a little girl. Pick up me Mace, beat the living shit outta it, move on.
Remember that knight? Yeah his life really sucks right now. He got pummeled through the roof into a spare room. Walk up some stairs to trigger a trap bowling ball to the tune of "Indiana Jones." The ball wasn't the most photo-friendly thing to take by the way.
Yeah I have those days to man.
Talk to him and he gives you an Estus flask. Basically heal on-the-go drink. I call it my "Baileys." I let my senses guide me.
Whoop the ass of the skinny dick head who chucked the ball at you, and we pick up the most useful item to a Cleric:
No, it is not a friggn' doll. Stop looking at me like that...
This allows us to use miracles to heal our sorry asses when I get whooped. And trust me, I *will* get whopped. Kill three more assholes and then meet an armored douche bag with actual armor.
Unfortunately I took lessons on "How to parry like a Boss," and showed him how I fare.
"I give you an 'Eight' for ass-whooping."
Now it's time to kill that green bastard holding my key to the exit hostage. For name-sake, we shall call him "Peter."
Hi Peter! I'm here to kill you now.
If your up high enough, you can perform a plunging attack on the noggin of enemies. Observe:
Advil ain't gonna help that headache.
Now for a first boss, he can and will kill you. His hammer of justice can send you flying farther than a Derek Jeter home run. Stay close to his fat ass (literally) and hammer away until he decides "fuck this shit I'll be underground as a 'Stray Demon."
Don't worry, he'll be back. Three times over...
He drops the key and a sprite of humanity. I will explain this further later. Know these are all-so important and should be treated like GOLD.
My precious...
Now we can officially flip this place the bird (or moon it whatever your style,) and never return.
I'm free, bitches!!!!!
Oh, pretty sky and mountains.
But your enjoyment doesn't last...
HOLY FUCKING SHIT! GIANT CROWS?!
Albert Hitchcock called, he said "Dayum!!!!"
So where does this over-sized bird take us? Do we survive? What holds for Chantalle in her pilgrimage to the Land of Lords?
In the age of ancients, there was only endless forests, tranquility, and ever-lasting Dragons.
"In the jungle, the mighty jungle; The lion sleeps tonight..."
These Dragons were ageless; They owned the land without any threat or any chance of extinction. To them, life was beautiful.
I wouldn't wanna piss off something that breathes fire for a living.
But then, there was fire, and with fire disparity. Heat and cold, life and death, and of course, light and dark.
Biggest. Fire place ever. Someone get the S'mores.
From the dark the beginnings of Gods and Lords. Within the flame they found Lord souls. From there, four beings emerged...
Nito. the first of the dead.
The Witch of Izalith, and her and her daughters of Chaos.
Not shown: Her son.
And Gwyn, Lord of Sunlight, along with his army of faithful knights.
But there is a fifth.
The furtive Pygmy. So easily forgotten...
With their new found strength and numbers, they challenged the rule of the Dragons. Winner, becomes new ruler of the lands.
Gwyn's mighty Thunder bolts peeled apart their stone scales.
"Ima firin' mai...Lightning spear?!"
The witches waved great firestorms.
Must be that time of the month.
Nito unleashed a miasma of death and disease.
Your average flu shot ain't gonna save your ass now.
And Seath the Scaleless, betrayed his own. And the Dragons, after centuries of rule, were no more.
Mr. Scaleless is not very photo-friendly.
Thus began what was known, as "The age of Fire."
The city of Lordrain was built, with the town of Anor Londo over-looking the vast landscape. All now in the hands of the lords.
Sure it's nice, but the cost of living must be a bitch.
Soon the very flames that created the Lords, start to fade. And darkness remains.
Only embers exist of the once great flames, and only endless nights are seen.
You know your screwed when your grasping at embers.
And amongst the living, are odd symbols: The accursed darksign. A symbol that slowly drives it's victim mad. One day, the person, living or undead, will lose his or her humanity, and their mind.
"Preparation H," stat!
Those brandished with the sign are corralled to the North, where they are locked up to await the end of the world.
Sucks to be that guy. Oh wait...
This is where the journey of Chantalle the Cleric begins. Locked away in a dungeon cell, awaiting her end. This seems to be her fate.
So in my post for Halloween tips, (found here) I briefly mentioned my fondness for Rocket candies. Ok maybe more like "I am ashamed what I would do for a Rocket."
Now you'll read that comment and think "Oh, he's only kidding!" or, "What the heck are Rockets?"
Observe puny humans.
90 candies in each bag. Both worth five bucks. I give both a week before they disappear.
My mom called dibs on the pink ones. Eh, I call dibs on the white ones.
If anyone touches my Rockets, you won't live long.
Ah, life is back to normal now. Whatever normal is these days. Anyways apologies once again; personal life can be a fun yet busy policy.
Seeing as Halloween is coming up, I decided to lend some tips for the lot of ya's before you all head out being someone your not and having a decent excuse to go on one big sugar rush. This goes for my ONE German follower too.
Don't lie to me: Half of you reading this are either heading out on the 31st for:
A) Free candy
B) Chicks in "interesting" costumes
C) Halloween parties
D) Both A, B and C
E) Duh, FREE FUCKING CANDIEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Whatever the case, let Uncle Canadian Dude tell you how it's done. Don't worry, I'm a professional.
Always check your candy
- Yes, I see you rolling your eyes, but hear me out. Your mother is always right, and this particular subject is no farther from the truth.
You never know what could be in those delicious sweets. C4 in the Rockets, razor blade in the Tootsie roll, tickets to the next "Twilight" movie in the Snickers bar.
If it were up to me, and if I was rich (which I'm far fucking from it) I would slip in a $20 bill with the candy. Share the happiness I say!
Never travel alone
- Let's face it: going out anywhere alone sucks. So it's better to have a buddy/posse/small Roman army behind you.
Before you head out, be sure to set ground rules. Who gets what candy, do you all hit a house at once, who becomes the "wingman," etc.
Better that way in case someone runs off with the Reese's/girl/toilet paper. If it were me, I'd tackle the fucker for them Rockets. Noone touches my Rockets...
When dressing up, be origional
- Anyone can dress like a slutty pumpkin, slutty nurse, or a slutty ladybug. The real winners are the ones who dress up.
For example, Commander Shepard, The Munsters (try to pull off the accent), or someone from "Game of Thrones."
Now if someone is trolling you and mocking your outfit, either let them know at least my mother didn't make it for me," or just use whatever prop you have to "submit them to your will."
Don't do what I did: Dress up as a fail-Ozzy Osbourne. I'm sure my friends who witnessed my bad costume can attest to that. Also, if my friend is reading this: That was the best night I had in 22 years.
Until I went to Paris. That tops everything.
Don't insult a person's costume.
- When you see that one person with an awesome costume, compliment on their creativity. "That's the most realistic Yoda I've seen," "Fester, is that you?"
Having said that, do be careful when trolling people who go as vampires, zombies, witches. You never know if those fangs are real, they could eat you, or turn you into something unmentionable.
Then again, pick-up lines aplenty for those cases. "Mind if I taste those fangs?," "Wanna 'pick' my brain?," or my favorite, "Does that broom have room for two?"
If any of these work, YOUR FUCKING WELCOME. I expect a Thank you card.
Finally, Enjoy yourself!
- Pretty much self explanatory, isn't it?
And that's it! Whenever your giving out candy, getting your freaky-ass costume on, or just livin' up a party, do it safely, and in style.
May you all enjoy Halloween! If anyone needs any advice/tips/wingman, well Uncle Canadian Dude can be there "spiritually."
This is a continuation of the last Castle Crashers post, which you can read here.
So at one point in the game you come across a marsh level, and are greeted by a giant door that cannot be opened normally. That, and a petrified elf.
I'm sure that's not a horrible omen...
If you brake him, he either drops loot or food. For this level, you pray for food because the enemies here hit like MAC trucks. But that's for later. So how do you open this door?
Well to do that you have to branch off into the village. No, not Stephen King's "The Village," they don't have some dude dressed as a creature and kill people from leaving their crappy-ass town. Instead they have a problem with skeletons and elves trolling them.
Hey! That villager is *NOT* a trampoline!
Both skeletons and elves can kick your ass if not careful. I almost died five friggin' times just trying to get pics of them. Course that didn't work out so well. Bloody iPod...
So once you whoop the ass of the dead and tree-humping hippies of the dark ages, you come across a annoying boss of sorts.
Holy corn on the cob, Batman!
I think I found the reason behind the corn shortage.
This guy doesn't hit hard, but those leaves can be folded up to protect against damage, and can bury underground and send you flying. He does this often to piss you off, and even at high level, he takes some serious punishment!
The plus side is as he takes damage he drops corn pieces to munch on for health. Near the end of his shelf life the dude erupts into a thousand kernels ready for some melted butter and a movie-goer.
Really this is the key to open the door to the swamp and boss. Why a door requires a giant blow horn to open, is beyond me.
So now we go to the swamps and temple. Innocent looking as it is, it's defenders for some reason haven't booked it out yet. Who are these defenders you ask? Have a look at this photo:
Holy shit, a fish with legs! And a bloody spear!
Since when did sushi started to fight back? These dudes hit HARD: they blow bubbles to poison you, and can combo your ass until you pass out dead. And, they can take a shit load of damage.
Back on my dinner plate you walking Cod!
Once they die they so nicely flop onto a near-by dinner plate just for you! Well you can't eat them for health unfortunately, would make up for the health I lost...
So once you fight through elves and walking halibuts you slowly start seeing more statues of paralyzed fuckers. As mentioned above, they drop food or gold; also mentioned, after fighting walking sushi, you kinda pray for food.
I got a bad feeling about this...
Soon you start seeing shoe racks randomly in the background. And then it looks like nobody seems to be doing suicide runs on you. What? You all realized I'm too BAMF for you all?
Confessions of a shoe-aholic, anyone?
Well it could be because there is a woman nearby. And they proably seen what she's like when that "time of the month" rolls along. I'd piss off too.
Hellooooooooooooooo Nurse!
Why is she green? Why does she only have one friggn' boot? Why does her ass look like an apple?
FUCK ME SILLY AND CALL ME "UNCLE BOURBON!"
Yes, the boss of this stage is friggn' Medusa. Hence, if you haven't guessed, turned some of her guardians into stone.
Nice lid.
Now she can be tough; menacing as she is but all she does is shoot poison balls, unleash a volley of crappy snakes as she takes damage, and turn you into a stone heart.
Oh kiss my stony hard ass!
She can take some punishment, and it's hard to get up close due to the number of slithering bitches that take up the area. Lightning doesn't seem to be very effective for some reason. Why? I don't know.
So after you whack her a couple times, she herself gets to know the feeling of being petrified.
You've been petrified. Have a nice day >:)
What's your reward for vanquishing snake-eyes? Nothing. Some XP but that's it. It's not like "God of War" where you can use the head as a weapon noooooooooooooooo.
Maybe next time I will just ask her if she wants me to give her a haircut or a "happy ending." How painful could a ******* be from a snake lady? The most painful/greatest experience/nightmare ever.
It looks like this chick, *puts sunglasses on*:
Is all stoned up.
I apologize to no one.
Song is "Won't get fooled again," by The Who. Video is CSI: Miami intro.
