A WORD OF WORDS: I fixed up my potty mouth a bit. I got a little too happy writing this one.
So I was playing Assassins Creed Three last night when shit got real for me and I felt like a dumbass not getting any pics of the action.
Right so I was in the area called "Frontier", which is basically one giant-ass hunting ground full of shit. I was tasked of helping a french guy blow up a mine, because he wanted to make a knife for some lady so he can get laid.
Story of my life.
Anyways after defending him for five minutes and looting the corpses of dumbasses, I saw there was another person in need of assistance.
Pretty much at the other end of the map.
Which means it's time to take an hours walk to get to this person.
Did I mention it was winter in the game? Did I also say the snow was deeper than the Grand Canyon and walking in it took AGES? There's more snow here than in my backyard.
Anyways I started what would turn out to be an honest-to-God hour walk through snow.
As I was strolling along a lone wolf was taking a piss on a hillside. Well what else would it be doing? It's a wild animal in it's natural habitat.
Which means an opportunity to skin it for it's fur, nails, teeth and whatever else is inside.
Now any wild dangerous animal that attacks you triggers a quick-time event: Hit two corresponding buttons and you insta-kill it. Easy.
WELL after I killed that fur ball, my radar lights up like a fucking Christmas tree full of red dots.
"What is attacking me?" I asked myself. Turns out, I pissed off a very large, very angry wolf pack of 12. And they were beyond pissed.
I had flashbacks of killing Sif from Dark Souls, and figured these were his family coming for revenge. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, what have you.
One by one, they all charged me, with one little shit jumping one me and almost ripping my throat out. Once all was said and done I had the pleasure of skinning them all.
Before you rage message me PETA: Skinning animals in the game is a way of selling their pelts, teeth, etc. to stores for money. The game is based in Colonial era.
Once all was said and done I had enough fur pelts to make a tent and a sleeping bag. Good because this snow storm is getting ugly and it's another two fucking days hike to whomever is in trouble.
So after finally hitting a path I was close to my objective. But along the way there was these two silhouettes in the distance. Turns out it was a Elk and what appeared to be another friggn' wolf.
Seeing as I was not gonna have another wolf eat me, I decided to shoot the friggn' thing and be off. It was no wolf, especially since it growled like a pissed off kitty and jumped on my face.
"AHHHH! GET IT OFF!!! IT'S IN MY HAIR! NOT MY FACE!" I screamed as I mashed the "B" button. Chucking the shit head off and repaying the favor by repeatedly stabbing it until it croaked it's last meow.
This is why I hate cats. They fuck your shit up.
Thankfully it didn't do enough damage that I needed facial reconstruction, plus I was able to get the Elk as a bonus. NOW I could march up the hill and...
Fuck. Redcoats. And they were beating up some "overweight" gentlemen. I used a battle axe I stole from some Scottish dude and whooped some ass. Chuck Norris would be proud.
"Order up: One can of whoop-ass!"
Once the dude was saved I offered him land so he could live happily and not be pestered by any more. Before I could ask him if he could help me carry all these pelts, he disappears into thin-fucking-air.
"No it's OK!" I said to my television, "I'll just make the long walk back to my house and rest easy and recover! It's not like all of Nature is out to kick my ASS!!!!"
While walking back to my home, a wolf spawned in front of me. Since I didn't know if there was another legion of Sif ghosts waiting to kill me, I took a detour and told him to fuck his own furry ass.
Next time, I bring a bottle of wolf piss. That'll fucking keep them at bay.
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