Dark Souls Prologue 2: No cell or Demon's gonna hold me!

Continuation to Prologue.

 We start our epic journey within our little cell of damnation. But as seen in the first prologue, (I like saying that word...) a helpful knight sends us a key to get the fuck outta dodge.

Couldn't throw down a Big Mac with fries, eh?

Now with this game you will see these orange signs on the floor: These are messages either left by the developer From Software, (indicated by a knight as seen) or a human player (indicated by a "zombie" of sorts).

"Right Bumber to attack." Yeah it took some getting used to for me too.

On your right during your "Great Escape," we will glance at a big fat green bastard called, "Stray Demon."

The bane of my existence right there...

Under no circumstances will I be fighting him for a long time. You will see why later.

Once you mosey on past some undead nutcases, you come to what is known as the "checkpoint;" The Bonfire.

Come on baby light my fire.

Here, you can level up, gain health back, cure poison, send instant messages over Skype, and cure cancer. However, resting at these spawns all the asshats again except bosses.

So if you just killed a tough SOB, and rest at this, he may come back to show you his appreciation for resurrecting him.

After opening a large-ass door, the exit is just down a extremely small arena-like room. Nothing bad could EVER happen here...

Fuck everything and run.

That big bastard holds the key to your freedom. Seeing as all you have is a friggin' hilt of a straight sword, I don't recommend fighting him ya?

Run like a coward to a door far right and fat ass there can't hit ya. Now the game tells you to "get your shield!"

Told ya.

Notice the ass in the far right there. He has a longbow, and attempts to snipe your ass. However the starting Cleric shield is enough to block his arrows. Not bad for a wooden piece of cracked shit but meh...
 

Inventory doesn't pause the game. So open it in a SAFE area.

Shield equipped, it realizes it's life is pretty much fucked so instead of shooting arrows, it runs like a little girl. Pick up me Mace, beat the living shit outta it, move on.

Remember that knight? Yeah his life really sucks right now. He got pummeled through the roof into a spare room. Walk up some stairs to trigger a trap bowling ball to the tune of "Indiana Jones." The ball wasn't the most photo-friendly thing to take by the way.

Yeah I have those days to man.

Talk to him and he gives you an Estus flask. Basically heal on-the-go drink. I call it my "Baileys." I let my senses guide me.

Whoop the ass of the skinny dick head who chucked the ball at you, and we pick up the most useful item to a Cleric:

No, it is not a friggn' doll. Stop looking at me like that...

This allows us to use miracles to heal our sorry asses when I get whooped. And trust me, I *will* get whopped. Kill three more assholes and then meet an armored douche bag with actual armor.

Unfortunately I took lessons on "How to parry like a Boss," and showed him how I fare.

"I give you an 'Eight' for ass-whooping."

Now it's time to kill that green bastard holding my key to the exit hostage. For name-sake, we shall call him "Peter."

Hi Peter! I'm here to kill you now.

If your up high enough, you can perform a plunging attack on the noggin of enemies. Observe:

Advil ain't gonna help that headache.

Now for a first boss, he can and will kill you. His hammer of justice can send you flying farther than a Derek Jeter home run. Stay close to his fat ass (literally) and hammer away until he decides "fuck this shit I'll be underground as a 'Stray Demon."

Don't worry, he'll be back. Three times over...

He drops the key and a sprite of humanity. I will explain this further later. Know these are all-so important and should be treated like GOLD.

My precious...

Now we can officially flip this place the bird (or moon it whatever your style,) and never return.

I'm free, bitches!!!!!

Oh, pretty sky and mountains.

But your enjoyment doesn't last...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! GIANT CROWS?!

Albert Hitchcock called, he said "Dayum!!!!"

So where does this over-sized bird take us? Do we survive? What holds for Chantalle in her pilgrimage to the Land of Lords?

That, ladies and gentlemen, is for another time.

Happy Halloween >: ) *Evil laugh here*...